Missing Mackenzie

Heaven is for Real

2012-02-08T09:58:00.001-06:00

I just wrote a book review on my other blog. One of the books was Heaven is for Real. This is the story of the young boy that went to Heaven while undergoing surgery for an appendectomy. When the book first came out I remember there being a lot of criticism about it. People were saying how the Dad (a pastor) fed the information to his son about how Heaven was, etc. It is something that interests me since Heaven is sort of "the unknown" but I wasn't super excited about reading the book.

My aunt's step daughter (who has had her own struggles with pregnancy) gave to book to her and said that she should pass it along to me. I've never met her step daughter, but I know she knows about what happened. So, I read it.

There were many parts that resonated with me. One in particular was when he talked about his "sister" that his mom had miscarried years prior. Even though Mackenzie was not miscarried, it warmed my heart to know that his sister was up in Heaven. He said he saw her and described what she looked like. I think about how Mackenzie would look. At some point I found myself somewhat jealous that he got to see her. Why can't I see my baby? Of course, I don't want to have a life or death sort of situation but a dream would be nice.

He also talked about there being children in Heaven and the Angels. He talked about how everyone had wings, but they're different sizes. It was nice to read something that gives you hope. Even if some of the stories might have come from a 4 year old's imagination, it was a good read that I'm glad was passed on to me. It is nice to know that others still think about me and are willing to pass things on that might give me some hope and encouragement.

The Realist

2012-01-17T16:32:00.002-06:00

Last week I got an email from a friend with the normal banter. However, after I responded I realized that maybe my reply was a little harsh. I guess "harsh" isn't really the word. Maybe more like blunt. Either way, I questioned my response. Was it too mean? Did I upset them? By no means was my email mean, but the realist in me came out. Call me Debbie Downer. Negative Nancy. Pessimistic Peggy. Okay. I just made that one up. But you get it. That's me!

I think I've always been a realist in life. I've never been the dreamer. The explorer. Any of those. I am down to earth. I am analytical. But has my realism turned into pessimism? It is hard to not have a negative outlook on things. I mean any positive thinking I had went away when we learned Mackenzie was seriously ill. Once that hit, I lost any sense of optimism that was ever in my body.

The problem is that even though I am, and always have been, a realist I don't seem to allow the "dreamers" to dream. Even though I know what they're saying is absurd, I can't dash their hopes and dreams. I need to encourage their thinking just like I'd like it if they were to boast my sense of reality.

There is a show called Felicity that I watched just about the entire summer after I graduated from college. One line in the theme song is "I need a new version of me" (and I'm sure he is cracking up just reading this part). Ryan will occasionally sing this line and make fun of the show and song. Secretly he probably liked the show as much as I did. Either way. I think that's what I need. I need to have a new version of me. I can't go back to the original Liz. She is gone. In reality, she died with Mackenzie. The Liz that is here is better, stronger, more aware of her surroundings. I have optimism in me, but it is tucked away deep in my heart. There are three special people that allow me to be optimistic more than any other people, but I have to learn to use that towards everyone. Not just my three loves.

Visits

2012-01-05T10:08:00.002-06:00

We were watching a recorded show yesterday and it involved a guy going to visit his Dad that passed away earlier in the year. It made me think about how we don't really go see Mackenzie anymore. One reason is that the summer was so stinking hot that you couldn't really be outside for more than about 10 minutes without going into heat stroke. Another thing is that Madelyn is so young that sitting still isn't really an option for her - especially these days! The child is constantly running around and trying to escape. The only time she is still is usually when she is sleeping. The cemetery isn't really a place that I can try to teach her about the proper respect to show. I also don't want to be upset at her disrespect that it takes me away from the real reason we are there. And another thing is that I'm pretty sure the last time we were there Emma got bit by a spider and we had to go to an urgent care center to have it checked out.

Needless to say, with kids it isn't a pretty scenario. It is hectic, stressful and not fun for them. Sadly, I think the last time we went to visit her was on her birthday when Madelyn was in a stroller. Emma completely understands it all, so that isn't a problem. I guess I just worry that we will get there and not feel like we accomplished anything. Although, maybe we just need to do it. If it isn't how we envision it, I'm sure Mackenzie would understand. I know we will be there on her birthday, so maybe that will gauge how any future visits might go. Perhaps it could be a new goal for the year - to visit her more than just once a year. I feel like the awful mother. Really. I do.

The Joy of the Holidays

2011-12-21T14:13:00.004-06:00

The holidays are definitely a special time of year, but they are also a stressful time. It is a hard time for us (still), but not quite the same as it was a few years ago. The one thing I have learned through all of this is that family means more to me than anything. The problem that the holidays hold is that I don't think people value family as much as me. Maybe they do, but it seems like they let other things fog their view of what is truly important.

It isn't time to be petty. It isn't time to hold a grudge. It is a time to forgive. To remember. To show those who mean something to you just how much. It isn't about presents or monetary values. I know that everyone knows all of this, but for some reason when the holidays come around people forget the true meaning. No matter what you believe in, just know that this is the time of year to be happy and have peace. Of course it is hard to remember all of that in the hustle and bustle of it all. Embrace those that mean something to you. Merry Christmas!

Thankful?

2011-11-29T12:21:00.001-06:00

It was about this time two years ago that we did away with Thanksgiving and went on a vacation by ourselves to NYC. Two years ago was difficult for us and we sort of thought "What do we have to be thankful for?". I know that we have plenty now, but Thanksgiving was tough that year. I didn't want to be around all of those joyous people with smiles on their faces and to see everyone Ooohhhing and Aaaahhhing over new babies in the family. Obviously the pain was still very fresh at the point, but I have learned to not let that take over my life. What life would you be living if you are always dwelling on all the bad things that have happened?

It is hard to say that I'm not thankful now because I am. I have two very loving girls that not only show so much affection towards their parents, but to each other. We have so much, but we also have lost so much too. We are both completely different people and I guess we should be thankful for that. Who knows what kind of people we might have become if nothing had ever happened.

One of the hardest things I've learned is that you have to be thankful for all of the really crappy stuff that happens to you. No one wants to think like that. Why would you be thankful for the death of a baby? But you have to learn that time here is so limited, but can be so impactful. I know that this blog isn't one of those famous ones that gets passed around on message boards and Facebook, but I do know that it has touched others - particularly those that have lost a young child or baby. I have been emailed by complete strangers that have told me about how much this has helped them or their friend. That is why I continue with this blog. It has made me more thankful to know that I have touched others when they need it.

Happy (very late) Thanksgiving!

Motivation

2011-11-17T11:49:00.001-06:00

I saw this on pinterest a few weeks ago and it made me think quite a bit. I run for her (among others I know that can't). When I was at about mile 11 and the sun had come out I wanted to stop. I wanted to just walk a bit besides at the water stages. But I didn't. I persevered. I thought about her and how she will never share a run with me. She will never run around the backyard. She will never run up the stairs to torment her sister. This is why I run.

Who do you run for?

Dear Me

2011-10-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

I saw this on GMA this morning and I thought "Man, if only that could happen." It was a story about how they had a bunch of different type of celebrities write a letter to their 16 year old self. Originally I was going to post this on my main blog, but decided it might be better suited here. Mine isn't really a letter, but more of just little tidbits.

Dear 16 year old Liz,

Sometimes you worry about if you are cool enough or if you have enough friends. You worry about hanging out with the cool crowd and how people view you. One of the main things I have realized after college is that those "cool" people will not be your friends. You don't fit in with them because you are not like them. You are you, and they can't handle it. When Mom said that they won't be your friends in 10 years, she was right. Oh, and she'll be right more than just a few times. {Gasp}. In fact, some friends from high school that you might not be close with now but are still acquaintances will not even acknowledge the fact that your child died. It will be hard for you, but you will realize that they were just into themselves (like they were in high school). Some people from high school, will surprise you and might actually be more like a friend than others. It is funny how things turn out.
The boy that you're dating right now, will not be your husband. Go ahead and continue to doodle his last name after yours, practice your new signature as his wife, but it won't happen. In fact, you will break his heart and many others. You will have your own heart broken. You won't make great choices with men all the time, but in the end you will find one that will love you unconditionally and you will be thankful every day for him. When you go through the toughest part of your life, he will hold you up when you need help. He will make sure that you and your children are safe at all times because he will never want to lose you or anyone else.
When you think that life is tough right now as a 16 year old, you will be surprised to learn that it gets harder in about 12 more years. You heart will ache so much that you think it has literally been torn apart. You will wonder "why" numerous times over and over and will never have an answer. You will look back at 16 and think about how things were so much easier and how your worries then don't even compare to your worries now. Hard to imagine, huh?
You have the most beautiful children ever and you are surprised at their beauty every day. They are so smart and you are eternally grateful for them daily - even when they throw tantrums, yell at you, and scream and cry for no reason.
You don't really think you are as pretty as you are. Seriously. You worry about how you aren't skinny enough or pretty enough for the popular boys, but wait until you are in your 20's. People will make you realize that you truly are pretty. In your late 20's and 30's you will probably be in the best shape you've been in since you were 16 and you will be impressed with your athleticism. After having birthed 3 children, people come up to you and are surprised you have had children at all, let alone 3. It will encourage you to continue.

So when you think life is tough, take a moment and realize that this is the easy time. Know that your friends now will not be true friends later. If someone isn't popular, who cares. Does popularity in high school get you anywhere in life? Not at all. It seriously means nothing. All of your break-ups with boys will prepare you for what you really want in a husband and you will find it one day. It will come when you're not expecting it and it will make you realize that he was there all along, you just had to search for him. Realize that everyone is fighting a tough battle and don't judge someone just because something is off about them. Oh and love yourself because things are so much easier when you love you for being you. Have fun in high school (but not too much) and calculus isn't necessary, so don't let your mom tell you it is :)

From,
Your 31 (almost) year old self

Awareness Day

2011-10-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day was Saturday. We didn't do anything. I felt bad when I realized the day had passed and I didn't light my candle for her. Honestly though, since I don't go into the office everyday anymore I rarely know what the actual date is. I knew the day was approaching and I let our day to day life get in the way.

When I started thinking about how it had passed and we missed it, I realized that I don't need just one day to remind me. I am "aware" every day. I think maybe the day is for others to realize that this happens to many people. I don't need one special day to light a candle and remember my little girl. I remember her in every waking moment.

It is hard to explain unless you've lived it, but it is just like one of your other children. You aren't really thinking about them in general when they're away, just they're just always on your mind. That's how it is with Mackenzie. She's always there...in the existence of my thoughts.

Sometimes it still completely boggles my mind that we've gone through this. It is like it happened in a dream that you'll never forget. We tell Emma all the time how she will never know how much we love her and Madelyn - because they won't. Despite all the troubles we've faced, those little girls make me realize how precious they truly are. Even when they're throwing their biggest tantrum :).

Spooky Halloween Decor

2011-10-17T10:58:00.000-05:00

Halloween has kind of always been my holiday. Why? Well my birthday is just 4 days later, it is fun and it kicks off the holiday season. I love the decor. I like to decorate and I like to look at all the spooky houses, but now it seems disrespectful for me to have the graveyard in my grass. Or even the skeleton with bones. I know it is just a decoration, but I seriously hesitated when Emma and I were at Target looking at all the cool things. I was tempted, but then I had to think about Mackenzie. I never want to think of her as a skeleton, but the Halloween stuff just made me think about what it truly represents. I couldn't do it.

It is sad, but I haven't let it consume us. We still have some spooky decor and we will always celebrate Halloween. The other day Emma was talking about how some people dress up like dead people at Halloween - zombies. I told her that Halloween wasn't about being scary and that it was disrespectful to dress that way. Of course, people do it and it doesn't offend me personally. I'll just never be able to let my children do it. I think dressing up should be fun enough. Why add all the "dead" stuff to it? I'm sure it is just me and what we've been through. I'm looking forward to Halloween this year so that Madelyn has more of an experience than last year. Can't wait to see the two of them!

Tasteless

2011-10-10T09:06:00.000-05:00

Ryan and I were doing our routine of catching up on all our shows from the week. There is one that we watch somewhat regularly and is actually pretty funny. Most of the humor is just dumb or offensive, but we usually think it is funny and laugh. This past week's episode was anything but. We literally had to turn the show off and didn't finish watching. I'm sure if many would have found it funny or maybe we are just extra sensitive when it comes to the death of a baby.

Needless to say, I think it was pretty tasteless but what can you do. It is the way it is and we deal with it daily. I'm sure we'll be tuning into the show again, but I hope that humor is never put in the same story line as infant death. :(

Things I'll Never Do

2011-09-08T09:52:00.000-05:00

There are so many things that as a family that is expecting a child you are expected to do as the parents. However, due to my own experience I will never be caught doing them. I actually think some of the things are foolish for anyone to do prior to a certain point in a pregnancy, but that is just me being cautious I suppose.

1. Maternity Photos - Sure. I will gladly have someone take pictures of me while pregnant, but I will never pay $500+ to get them taken, let alone have them hanging in my house. Why? What if something happens late in the pregnancy? Or better yet, what if something happens during delivery or after birth? Do you want to have those pictures hanging on every wall that you turn to? It is forever a memory. Of course, memories are good to have of the pregnancy with a child you never got to take home. But, I wouldn't want to be reminded of it with every glance. Also, taking the pictures down off the wall might be like you're removing the child from your world. I just don't want to take the chance.

2. Nursery Overload - You see it on TV all the time. People are pregnant, so what is the next step after peeing on a stick? You go buy everything. You paint the nursery. You buy bedding. You buy the largest giraffe stuffed animal to stand in the corner. Is it cute? Yes. Of course it is. But is it necessary? Uh, no. In all reality the baby will pretty much live in the room with you for the next 2 months (if not sooner). You have plenty of time to get the room in order. Does it mean it can't be painted prior? No, because who wants to paint a room when they're sleep deprived. You just might want to wait until you get a little closer to the end. A lot can happen in 9 months. And taking the nursery apart after the loss is much more devastating than not having one prepared when you come home.

3. Name Embroidery - I think it is important to have a name picked out ahead of time, or at least an idea. No one wants to get home and then realize that you and your husband don't agree on a name. But, I think it is something I have to keep locked up until we have her home. Safe and sound. I can't ever buy hats, clothes, bags, etc. with the baby name on it prior to coming home. I can't.

4. Not Take the Entire Pregnancy Seriously - I think it is so foolish that all the books and other outlets give this impression that the 1st trimester is the weary one and after that you can go all out. Have they ever heard of stillborn babies or neonatal mortality? It just seems so crazy that people only worry about those first 12 weeks. Of course those are probably the most crucial in terms of development, but it doesn't mean that now that you've passed that milestone you're off the hook. Our society is very naive when it comes to this. That is why infant death is such a shocker to us all when it happens. In fact, according to a recent study America is in 41st place when it comes to infant mortality rates. That is pretty sad considering we are equal with countries like Croatia, Qatar and United Arab Emirates. I figured our medical technology today should be a little bit more promising that that.

5. Don't Ask, Don't Tell - I have sort of taken the stance on keeping pregnancy details a secret to others, except family and close friends in the beginning. In all of my pregnancies, I didn't show until about 20 weeks or so and it was a very small bump, so I have the ability to go a good few months without shouting it to the rooftops for all to hear. Why keep it a secret? If people are close enough to you, if something happened in the pregnancy of after birth, they would know about it. Obviously family and close friends would know because you would want to tell them so you can have their support. If it is the lady down the street that you see once a week when you get the mail or a parent in the hallway who you only see at holiday events at school, then you're probably not going to be having a drawn out conversation explaining the details. I've been there before and it is the most awkward situation for you and that person. Once I even lied about it because who wants to be the Debbie Downer. It puts you in a very precarious position. So, I will forever only be telling those who mean something to me. Obviously once you're about to pop the baby out it becomes public knowledge, but I'll gladly have people assume I've been drinking too many beers than to tell them about my unborn child again only to have to bare the pain of their questions afterwards.

Obviously I have reasons for this list. It comes with the territory. But I see so many pregnant people we know out there (specifically on FB) that seem to just jump the gun a bit when it comes to being pregnant. It sort of makes me mad because I feel like they might be setting themselves up for heartache when they act so foolishly the moment they find out. It is what it is. Life will never be the same for us, but I feel like I am more prepared in life than I ever was before. And I have no problem with people who do this, I just feel as though these are things I will be left out of while the rest of my generation is doing all of these and more when it comes to their pregnancy. It doesn't mean I would not be excited. It just means I have to proceed with caution. I think that should be my motto.

Still Here and Random Thoughts...

2011-08-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

When I go to my "dashboard" (if you use blogger, you know what I'm talking about) I see my two blogs and I always stare at this one. I see the date of my last post and think to myself "I really need to post again" but then I never do. Why? I guess I just feel like some of the things I still feel inside might be too deep to speak about. Of course, this was never a happy type of blog anyway. Sometimes I feel like no one really reads it so what's the point. I know a few people still do, but that wasn't really the point of the blog. I created this as more of an outlet to my feelings in dealing with our loss. So if no one reads it, I don't mind. I've gotten my feelings out and that was the purpose.

I no longer have immense sadness inside. Of course there are days that get to me, but it isn't the same type of feeling. Some days I am so grateful for what I have and I think I appreciate things more that most people take for granted.

One day last week, Emma said something about Mackenzie. Just out of the blue. I hadn't mentioned her name or anything. It is good to know that she obviously thinks about her on her own. It is very sweet to my ears.

Emma started school this week. Not only was this a big step for her, but it has also been a big step for us. She isn't as sheltered as she had been. Sometimes I feel like we have bubble wrap protected our children so much since Mackenzie that we haven't let them just be kids. I mean, she isn't kept inside the home all day or anything, but we definitely keep her close. I think that her now being in school is going to challenging for us at times. There will come a time when I will just drop her off at the front of the school instead of walking her to the gym. She will also have more independence rather than someone always doing things for her (or assisting her). It will be good for all of us to continue to grow.

And lastly, I hope this crazy heat wave called the Summer of Hell would finally end. We haven't gone to visit Mackenzie since her birthday I believe. We need to go back, but obviously can't go with two children when it is over 100 every day. Please end soon!

The Name Game

2011-07-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I went through and reread almost every post on this blog and the comments that were left. One comment asked about Mackenzie's name and how she got it. Emma and I like to talk about what our future child's name would be (yep, I said future - more on that later) and it got me thinking about this question asked.

How did she get her name? Well, I'd like to say it was some elaborate story about past family members and that it has a bunch of meaning to us. But, unfortunately, that is not true. First, I'll start with Emma.

Emma was originally going to be Madison, but my oldest sister had already "claimed" that as her girl name. I didn't want to step on any toes and steal the name, so we got a name book and tossed around some of our favorites. I recently found that book and saw where each of us wrote our top 5. It was funny because none of those were options way down the road. Emma was declared 100% a girl during all of my ultrasounds. She had her legs crossed every time like a little lady, but we were pretty sure. I remember two of our names that we liked were Emily and Mackenzie. I had a little girl in my class that year before named Mackenzie and she was the sweetest, cutest thing ever. I don't think it was after her, but maybe it had something to do with it. I think I even said that if she came out with brown hair, she'd be Emily and if she had blonde hair, she'd be Mackenzie. However, being the planners that we are, we wanted to have a name prior to her arrival. I don't know how it turned into Emma, but it did. Perhaps it was a combination of the two names. Either way, she was Emma and it is perfect for her. If we had gone with our hair color, she would have been Mackenzie though.

Mackenzie's name was sort of different. I had names that I liked: Addison, Avery and Mackenzie - none of which the grandparents were too excited about. We kept getting "but what about...." I always like to say the entire name aloud to see if it flows. KWIM? Sometimes the names just don't sound right when it is paired with the last name. I really liked Kinsey, but Ryan refused to name a kid that because he said it didn't sound like a real name. Then I convinced him of Mackenzie. I liked the way Kenzie Colville sounded and so did he. Her middle name is Ryan (after her father) because we weren't sure if a boy was in our future. He always wanted to pass his first name down as a middle name. Since it didn't look like he'd get to do that to a son, it went to her. I feel proud that she has his name in hers.

After Mackenzie passed away, naming a child became so much more meaningful. However, literally the day I took the test I knew it was a girl and what her name would be. I guess Ryan didn't really get much say in this one, but I had to go with it. Most of the meanings for her name come back with "Woman of Magdala" but I remember this one book I had that said something about strength. I just looked it up on a website and it says "Tower of Strength". How appropriate! She is our tower of strength. The middle name is Grace and that is just self explanatory. It is by the Grace of God that we were blessed with another healthy child after what we went through.

Emma and Madelyn seem to have very classic, traditional names. Mackenzie did not. Hers was definitely more trendy. With the next child (if we are blessed again), we will be going the traditional route. Obviously her name didn't have anything to do with what happened, but I feel like I have to stick with what seems natural. So there you have it!

Optimist or Pessimist?

2011-07-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

I like to say I am an optimist. Maybe I am about some things, but lately I've noticed that pessimism surrounds me. If someone suggests something, I turn it around to point out the negative. At work, I tend to be the one that doesn't want to do things a certain way because of anything bad that might occur. When I realized this, it sort of brought me down. I started to think "Have I always been this way?" I may have always been a realist (not necessarily a pessimist), but I used to remember being happy-go-lucky. I was energetic and happy to do things.

Did the pessimism loom after Mackenzie? It would make sense. We were so happy to be expecting baby #2. We did it all the same as before and then BAM! We were slapped in the face. Hard! It was like someone was pointing at us and making an example of us. I've been made an example before (like in class when I wasn't paying attention) but this seemed cruel. I would be lying if I said my faith grew. It was hard and all I kept thinking about was why God would heal other babies, but not mine. If there was a God, then why would he do this. I also remember hearing about prayer in numbers and thought about why no one was praying for my baby. It was such a dark, horrid place and I'm glad I was able to get out. Don't get me wrong, there are still times when I question "why?" and allow anger to take over. But then I quickly talk myself out of wondering. What good does it do? Why does anything in life happen? No one questions why the good things happen. They only seem to question the bad.

Even to this day, I find myself thinking bad thoughts when someone I know is expecting. It seems awful, I know! Of course I would never wish this of someone's child, but if the person wasn't there for me as a friend when I really needed them I find my head thinking negatively. It isn't nice at all, but I guess this is what it has become. I am trying so hard to be that optimistic person I once was. When someone tells me they're pregnant, I want to throw my arms around them and congratulate them. When a great opportunity comes for someone, I want to genuinely celebrate with them rather than simply saying "congratulations". Maybe I'm trying to be something I am not, but I think it is something that needs to happen in order to fully move forward in life.

Does optimism come easily to you? Sometimes I feel like I might never get back to where I was. I hope I can though.

Days like these...

2011-06-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

I had a bad day at work on Friday. It was one of those days when you wake up and you don't want to go in. Almost as if something is telling you "Stay home!" Of course, what are you going to do. You must go to work. You can't just call in because you have a bad feeling about the day. So, I went in. It started bad and ended really bad. Needless to say, I left a little early due to the need to escape.

As I was leaving I started thinking about how feeling that way wasn't worth it. Life can be so incredibly short. Why waste it with anger? No, I didn't quit my job but it definitely put things into perspective. It is days like that when you realize how important things really are. There will be changes coming soon that we've been thinking about for quite a while now. It isn't anything that was spurred on from recent events, but something I feel good about. Hopefully I can share those soon!

What's Normal?

2011-06-13T12:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how much the death of a sibling really effects her. She was three, which most people would assume wouldn't have even phased her, but this child (as I've said many times) is very perceptive. She is a lot more mature and intuitive about things than most children her age. After Mackenzie passed, I remember someone telling us to tell her that Mackenzie went to sleep. I balked at that because 1. she needed to be told the truth and 2. I didn't want her to develop a fear of sleeping or something else traumatic. We told her the truth and we try to talk about it openly

There are times though that I fear she has endured too much for someone her age. We've had many teacher conferences in the past few years where the teachers tell us how wonderful she is BUT...she needs to try to behave more like a child; have fun and enjoy the time to play. I try to tell her all the time that she has the rest of her life to be a grown-up. She is always the one at school that helps the other kids, plays nicely, follows directions and tries to explain things to other kids that aren't following directions. Is this just who she is or is this because she had to deal with adult things very early and it has changed her? I hate to think that...

She is also very emotional when it comes to death. I remember posting how she cried at the movie Tangled when Flynn Rider died. Ryan took her to the theater and he said she bawled. When we got the movie at the house, I could see how it was sad but it didn't strike me as something that children would be sad about. This weekend, she was watching Karate Kid II (if you know Ryan, you know this probably made him very proud for her to be interested in watching it). Mr. Miagi's Dad dies in the movie and they have to say good-bye to him. I looked over at her and noticed she looked very intense. I asked her what was wrong and she explained the situation. I asked her if she was going to cry and she said "no". Then, Daniel is telling Mr. Miagi about how his dad died and the next thing I know she broke down. I consoled her and she just kept saying "It's so sad..." Is she just a sensitive child or is she scarred from what happened? Is this more of an issue that I think it is? She is a very happy child, but I just don't know if this is normal for her to be so emotional over situations like these. I feel like I have to keep an extra eye on her to make sure she is not emotionally scarred from Mackenzie's death. What do you think?

Before and After

2011-06-06T08:31:00.000-05:00

We have a friend who was diagnosed with MS a few years ago. Lately it has been pretty hard on him and it is a struggle daily for him and his family. His wife wrote something one day about how there are pictures of them as a couple before his diagnosis and after. She talked about how they have a table with photos all over the place. For some strange reason, she noticed that the photos seemed to be split on the table. One half displayed the photos from before and the other half held the after ones.

Ever since reading that, I can completely relate. I don't have a lot of pictures around our house (we're still trying to decorate it), but when I look at pictures on the computer I always know if it was before or after our lives changed forever. It's weird to view your life that way in the form of pictures. I guess it can be true with anything like divorce, illness, bad decisions, job loss, etc. For some reason when something bad hits, it is like there is a great divide. It is like one life ended and another one began.

I can also see pictures and know that it was right after her death - mostly Disney pictures and the summer after. Emma has one of the three of us in her room. Every time I look at it I think about how sad we still were; you can see it on our smiles. You can see how our physique was different (of course I'd had a baby about a month prior to our vacation) and maybe our smiles just don't seem as bright. I wonder if Emma will ever look at pictures later on in life as an adult and know that her mom and dad don't seem very happy. I wonder if she will think that she doesn't look happy. I hope not.

It is not possible to go back to before and I don't want to. I feel like I know so much more now than I did. I have more insight and more awareness. I'm weary and more compassionate. I live for now instead of later(or at least I try). It is funny how life can change, literally in one moment.

Birthdays

2011-05-26T10:22:00.000-05:00

Madelyn's 1st birthday is this weekend. Like most parents, the 1st birthday is usually a celebration for all. You celebrate the day, of course, celebrate that the child has progressed in such a manner and that they are turning into a child, and the parents celebrate the fact that they didn't do too much harm to the child and everyone has survived one of the hardest years.

For us, it is more of a monumental event. We didn't get birthdays with Mackenzie the way that most people do with their children. That is hard. Even though we do celebrate her life on her birthday each year, we don't get to have the fun that other birthdays consist of. This weekend is that much more special because this little girl has changed us. Life after Mackenzie was hard. Very hard for the first year. But once we knew we were having another baby, it made it harder. We were scared and weary about doing things wrong. We were apprehensive. And I know that I was very reluctant about many things. It was hard to look to the future because we knew that things can be taken away at any given moment. Your world can literally stop turning whenever God makes it.

Madelyn has changed us though. I guess we know that we've done a pretty good job with her after suffering such a loss. I think that is why her birthday is so special to me. I feel like she was sent to us to prove that we can truly love again. We can move forward even though obstacles have gotten in the way. We are still very overprotective of both of them, but we can walk a little easier these days. We're not always walking on egg shells when it comes to them.

So this weekend is a happy event. We are celebrating it with family and friends - all of who have helped us reach the place where we're at now.

Hello?

2011-05-13T17:24:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if anyone even checks this anymore. About a month ago when I last posted, I thought I was content on leaving it as a simple "Thanks". But lately I've found that I keep telling myself "oh I should add that to the blog". After many thoughts like that, I decided that perhaps I'm not done yet. Maybe I still have more to say.

Maybe I feel like if I stop the blog, people will forget about her. It sounds stupid, but I think even after only 2 years some people have forgotten about her. I remember reading books and online forums about how after you lose a child, the worst comments that people will tell you is "you're young, they'll be more children." I believed it when I read it, but now I think people think that is true. People think that since Madelyn is now here and is healthy, that all is well. That everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way though. Maybe it does for them, but for us we're still a work in progress. Every day is work. Of course, we don't have our ups and down much anymore like we did. But we do have daily struggles and constant reminders.

So, if anyone is still out there: hello. I don't know what my intent is with this blog anymore, but I feel like I still have some unfinished business. We'll see where this takes me.

Thanks!

2011-04-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

I wanted to thank everyone who thought about us during the last week. We received flowers, cards, sincere messages, etc. We are very lucky to have family and friends that care about us and that continuously show us support. We wouldn't be where we are today without you!

Birthday Celebration?

2011-03-29T21:43:00.000-05:00

It is hard to have the word "celebration" in the title of this post, but I'm not quite sure what else we're supposed to call it. Sad day of reckoning? Day that we put on our happy faces, but really sadness fills our hearts? Whatever it really was, we had to "celebrate". We had to celebrate the fact that Mackenzie blessed our lives, albeit too short. And just like we would for any other child, we had a birthday celebration for her.

I kind of felt very odd and out of place asking Ryan to bring the camera. Is it morbid? I don't know what the etiquette is on this type of situation, but I know that it seemed right. Sometimes we don't get to go visit Mackenzie very often and having pictures is nice to have around on those hard days or times when you just want to reminiscence.

I ran a 10k with my dad, sister and brother-in-law that morning in Austin. It was a good start to my day as I find running to be very soothing for me (more on that another day). Since I was in Austin, Ryan was in charge of getting the items to bring up there.

He brought cupcakes, flowers and two baby pink balloons. Last year we had a bad experience with the balloon launch, but we didn't make the same mistake this time. Emma, Ryan and Madelyn did the launch together while I made sure the wind wasn't blowing towards the trees.

This pictures is Emma whispering something to the balloons (a message to take up to Mackenzie). Then she kissed it and they let go. We told Emma we were sending them up to Heaven for Mackenzie.

It was a really peaceful day. We left in good spirits and felt at ease about how we had spent our day. Hopefully Mackenzie was celebrating with us. Are there birthday parties in Heaven?

My Babies (Part 3)

2011-03-25T14:15:00.000-05:00

Mackenzie. What can I say about Mackenzie and how she has changed my life? Helped my life? I think most have read or know how everything went down with her, but I've also mentioned about how when I first found out I was pregnant I didn't really "embrace" the pregnancy. It wasn't that I was upset about being pregnant, but I think I took it for granted. Getting pregnant is hard for a lot of women, but fortunately for me it comes very easily. When I found out, there was excitement but day to day events got in the way. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been so involved in these events and had actually celebrated the fact that there was a life living inside of me.

When Mackenzie was born via emergency c-section, all I thought about was being scared to go into surgery. Of course at the time I had no idea that she was a sick little baby, but now I think about how I should have been scared for her and not me. Why was I so selfish? When I was taken from recovery to my post-pardom room, a nurse came in to explain that Mackenzie had had a blue spell (when the babies turn slightly blue from lack of oxygen). He explained it was somewhat normal and they just usually give them a little oxygen to help them get used to breathing. Later he came in to explain that they thought she had Turner Syndrome. I remember my mom was in our room sitting on the couch and she got faint. She had to lean over and put her head between her legs in order to avoid passing out. That was the moment when I realized that life isn't always easy. Why? I have no freaking idea. It doesn't seem fair. I've pondered the thought so many times - why do crack heads and child molesters get to have children that are healthy and live, but my child was taken away. I can't think about the "why's" of life anymore because it would drown me. I would be consumed with anger and resentment - which is not the way to live life.

Mackenzie's sickness hurt me so much. I was ashamed. I was full of guilt - did I do something wrong? But even through all of this, I didn't really think God would take her from us. I figured that it was a test. He was testing me to see how much I could change my life or to appreciate all that he has gratefully given me. I even thought about how life with a sick child would be difficult for me. Again - me. Why was I so selfish? Of course death was lurking in my head, but it was tucked very far away. I knew it was possible, but thought "that couldn't happen to me". But why not? Why am I so wonderful that it shouldn't happen to me? Her sickness and death made me see life in a new way. I don't (or try very hard not to) take things for granted. I enjoy the life I have instead of thinking about what I wish I had. Don't get me wrong. There are still days when I can't wait for it to be over or that I get in a ridiculous, nonsense argument. But I finish my days differently. I now am thankful for the day that I was given. I am thankful for the opportunity to be here with such a loving family. I see things in a new light and I am raising my children to see that way too.

Months after Mackenzie had died, I mentioned to Ryan that I thought we were "chosen". He questioned this with confusion. I explained that God chose us to be the parents of this wonderful angel that has touched people's lives. I know I've changed. Maybe she has changed you too. Maybe this experience has made your faith grow. Maybe you realize that life isn't always peaches and cream. Maybe you realize that life doesn't last forever and that people can be taken away so very quickly. I don't know how she has affected you, but I know she has in some way.

I'd take away all the hurt and pain that we have all been through in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't. There are so many things I'd go back and redo, but that isn't the way that life is lived. We are meant to learn from life. This is how we grow. However, I think I've done enough learning and growing. I'd like an easy road from here on out, please. :)

This little angel will be celebrating a birthday this Sunday. I hope you all think of her sometime on that day and wish her a happy birthday!

My Babies (Part 2)

2011-03-23T09:38:00.000-05:00

It is taking everything inside to not go in chronological order of children, but I'm saving Mackenzie's entry for last. This one is about Madelyn.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this or not, in the early Summer after Mackenzie died we saw a geneticist. I also talked to my OB about everything that Mackenzie had. We needed answers on whether or not this was a fluke or if it could happen again. Both doctors, and everything we read online, said it was a fluke. Just bad luck when the chromosomes come together. After hearing this news, this is when Ryan and I talked about having another baby. In the beginning, I didn't want to. I was so hurt and devastated by what had happened, I didn't think I could do it. I think part of me thought that God took my child away for a reason - maybe I was only meant to raise 1.

As the summer went on, we realized that the reason we wanted another one was for Emma. We wanted her to have a playmate from the very beginning. We both have siblings, so it was important for us to grow as a family. I think we both had apprehensions about starting the process over again, especially so soon but I am so glad we did.

My pregnancy with Madelyn was quite different than the other two. I bonded, but didn't want to get too close. I didn't buy anything baby related until I was about 8 months pregnant and had been released from the specialty doctor. After she was born, we were so concerned for her health. We made sure that every nook and cranny was given a clean bill of health.

Overall, Madelyn is a very good baby. She rarely fusses, unless she us really sleepy. She eats well. She is happy. She has been very easy to take care of. One day I was talking to a co-worker about her and she told me that Madelyn is so good because before she entered this world she thinks Mackenzie was with her and telling her about everything. She said that she thought that Mackenzie was with her the whole time up until the time she was born. That was very heartwarming to me.

One day when Emma was on vacation, I was getting ready to leave for work in the morning. I usually put Madelyn down on the carpet by the kitchen while I pack up my lunch. She crawled over in front of the fridge and just looked up at me and smiled. It was such a sweet little smile. I remember thinking about how much I loved her and then I thought about how what if we had decided not to have another baby. She has brought so much joy to all of our lives.

I give her credit for allowing me to enjoy motherhood again. Not that I didn't enjoy it with Emma, but I was so down after Mackenzie died. I don't think I was as good of a mother as I should have been. Madelyn has put the life back in me and I could never repay her for that.

My Babies (Part 1)

2011-03-22T10:19:00.000-05:00

Not a day goes by that I don't think about how much I love my children. Of course, we have our moments when you think about how they don't seem to listen or whatever, but I honestly think I have great children. I think each of them have helped me to become the person I am today.

Emma and I have a very special relationship. I will tell you that when she was about 2 years old, we didn't seem to be very fond of each other. She was a Daddy's girl and didn't usually want to have anything to do with me. I am the disciplinarian and at that age, children don't like those people (do they ever?). I remember being pregnant with Mackenzie and Emma was about 2 1/2. We were having one of our "moments" and I thought to myself "we're going to do this again? Are we crazy?" If I could take those thoughts back, I would! After Mackenzie died, Emma was very intuitive about the whole thing. Of course she didn't understand it completely, but she showed emotion and knew when we were having a sad day. It was like all of a sudden the child outgrew her tantrums and turned into an adult. She was the reason for me getting out of bed each morning. She was the reason that I needed to "move on" from what happened. I remember the first Mother's Day after Mackenzie died (only about a month). I had talked about celebrating it a week early because we were going to be in Disney World on Mother's Day with friends. I got upset with Ryan because he didn't do anything. I think it slipped his mind, but I just remember eating at the table and crying because I needed that from him. I needed to have a Mother's Day celebration when I didn't feel like I should be celebrating. I don't really know what I truly expected from him, but whatever it was that didn't happen upset me. While crying at the table and eating in silence, Emma spoke up and said something along the lines of "Mommy, you can't be upset with Daddy. You need to be happy with the people that are still here with you. Mackenzie is not here." It was insane to hear this come from a 3 year old, but it was so insightful. She was right! There was no need to be upset with Ryan or even Emma for things that they couldn't control.

It was an eye opener to me and I think I realized that I needed to continue living for them. They are the ones that I should be greatful for. They are the ones that lend me a shoulder when I need one. I learned it is okay to miss Mackenzie and to hate the way that things happened, but I can't dwell on what isn't here. Emma and I are good friends now. Maybe it is just the fact that she has grown up a bit, but I like to think that she knew she needed to be my friend because I needed her.

She is special because she is the only child that will have "known" Mackenzie. She will always have that bond that our other children will never know. She is such a special child and I thank her for what she has done for me.

Does That Make Me Crazy?

2011-03-16T09:58:00.000-05:00

I follow a lot of blogs. I follow cooking blogs, decorating blogs, craft blogs and recently I came across some blogs of young women like me who have lost their child. How do I find these things? I know one I saw on Facebook and maybe the other was a follower of her. I don't remember, but I now "follow" them. I use Google reader to view all my new blog posts and usually everyday there is a new post from one of them.

At first, I thought to myself that it wasn't a good idea for me to be reading them. I felt like it was bringing me back to the place I was at after Mackenzie died. It was like I was regressing. But I kept following them and I would choose to read or not read their post, depending on how it started each morning. There were some days when I thought "why am I doing this to myself?" but I almost feel like it is like a train wreck - you can't not look. It is like I have been there, and I need to know that the way I felt back then was normal. Or maybe I feel like I can see how far I've come from that dreaded place. Or maybe I can provide them with the comfort that the need during this difficult time.

Well, today there was a post about angels on one of those blogs. It referenced a book that she was reading and showed a clip from Fox about a boy's encounter with Heaven. The boy described things he saw in Heaven and said that angels were young adults. It got me thinking about Mackenzie as a little angel. For some reason I've always had an image of her as a little girl around 3 or 4 years old. I don't know if this is something I have dreamed or if this is just the way I think of her. I can see her wearing a little white dress that has some purple flowers on it and it has a lavender sash with a bow in the back. Her hair is light brown and straight. It reaches her jawline and she has a lavender bow in her hair on the side. I can see her sitting in the clouds looking down at us. Sometimes I picture her watching us and others (angels?) calling her name to go join them, but she doesn't want to leave. It is like she is saying "just one more minute."

I know people reading this probably think I'm crazy but that is what I see. Because Mackenzie was only 7 days old when she died, we didn't get to see what she really looked like. Everyone knows that a child doesn't really look like they did as a newborn. So it is hard for me to picture her as a baby or child. I think she probably looks like a mixture between Emma and Madelyn. Maybe a little like me as a little girl, except with lighter hair. This is all I have to go by. I have to think of her up there in Heaven because that is all I can do to keep her "alive" in my head and in my heart. I know she's up there and hopefully you do too, even though I know some of you don't believe in that stuff. So, am I crazy or is this something that normal people do? If you had someone close to you die, do you picture them in Heaven? Are they as they were when you last saw them or are they different?

Elephant in the Room

2011-03-02T13:27:00.000-06:00

Over the weekend I took Emma to an all girls birthday party. It was cute! They got to dress up in fancy dresses, get their hair done, make-up put on and sing karaoke! Afterwards, they did a fashion show for all the parents. This was the first birthday party that I have been to where the parents didn't have to hang out with their kid the whole time. In fact, one child told their mom to go sit down! This allowed the parents to be able to converse with each other, for once.

These ladies are the parents of kids that Emma has been pretty good friends with since she started preschool - about 3 years now! Usually we don't look forward to birthday parties due to the awkwardness that occurs at these types of events (ie. acting like your are friends with these people but you don't know their name), but mostly because of the elephant in the room. Everyone from her class knows what happened almost 2 years ago (if they don't - they are morons!). There were 4 of us that were pregnant at the same time and all of the babies were born within months of each other.

Since this party was just ladies and we literally sat on the couch while our children played dress up (where was the wine?), we all started to mingle. I like to stay a little reserved in these situations, but converse when I feel the need to speak up. There was one lady that was talking about her 3 kids and how the oldest one does this and the middle does that and the youngest says this. I know I don't have 3 living children, but technically I still have 3 children, right? There were 2 ladies in there that were pregnant with me and their kids are a day apart. They talked about how big they're getting and yada yada yada. No one asked me about Madelyn and of course I didn't speak up. Maybe it was because they know that Mackenzie should be in the same class with their kids. Seeing these ladies with their kids that are Mackenzie's age has been difficult at times. Of course I smile and say the comment about how big he's getting, etc. but I am secretly wondering what Mackenzie would be like at that age. Would she look like Emma? I guess that is something I will always wonder when I see a child her age.

She has a birthday coming up this month and she will be 2! I can't believe it has been that long since we lost her - the day the world stopped and I realized how precious life really is. I realized that just because you're not a crack addict, terrible things can happen to you or your family.

Luckily for us, this is the last year for birthday parties with this group of parents. We get a clean slate to start fresh with next year. I don't like to hide the fact that Mackenzie is and was our child, but I don't ever want to parade around what happened. I am excited for fresh starts!

Oh and talk about awkwardness at the party - when we were getting ready to leave a parent saw my Aggie ring and said "Is that an Aggie ring? I was class of '88!" Me: "Oh, I was '03!" Talk about awkward when the parent of a child the same age as yours is 15 years old than you. Eeeekkk! A-W-K-W-A-R-D! :)

Food for Thought

2011-02-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

Today is the last day of Heart Awareness Month, so I'd thought I'd leave you with some healthy heart tips regarding one of my favorite things...FOOD!

I love to eat (don't really care for chewing, but that's a whole another story) and I like to know that I am eating foods that are good for me and actually enjoyed them before knowing that. I get daily emails from Eat This, Not That and one day this month I received one about the 5 best foods for a stronger heart. I saved the link and thought I'd post it on here one day. So, here they are:

Cranberries - Raises HDL Cholesterol (the good kind) which in turn lowers your risk for heart disease. I love Craisins. Does that count?
Whole Grains - I try to get these into my family's mouth as much as I can simply because eating just 4 or more servings of whole grains, nuts, beans, etc. per week lowers your risk of developing heart disease by 22%. That and the fact that I like to torture my family :)
Grapefruit - Good for lowering total cholesterol and LDL, and has all that vitamin C. This is one fruit I don't like. I might have to find an alternative to this.
Water - I heart water. I drink about 2+ jugs a day (my water jug measures 32 oz, but I always fill to the brim). Apparently just drinking 5 or more 8 oz glasses will lower the risk of heart disease by up to 60%. Who would have thought? Bottoms up!
Fish - I'm not a seafood lover. In fact, I am the one that orders chicken when at seafood restaurants. I do buy fish at the grocery store and try to eat it once a week just to have it in our diets, but I just can't stand the fishy flavor. I guess I should start trying to eat more though. Apparently the Omega-3 fats help strengthen the heart muscles, lower blood pressure, prevent overclotting and reduce the level of potentially deadly inflammation in the body.

Hopefully all of these little tips have made a small impact and perhaps encouraged you to change a few habits. This is the last of my heart tips (I know you're crying right now), but I feel like this is just one of the little things I can do that make me feel better about things.

Reminders

2011-02-24T14:55:00.000-06:00

There are always little things that I see/hear daily that are little reminders of Mackenzie. One is on the radio. There is a DJ who is married to a girl name Kenzie (I'm not exactly sure how hers is spelled). Everytime I hear them talk about her I think of me saying when I was pregnant with Mackenzie "Her name will be Mackenzie, but we will call her Kenzie. Kenzie Colville. It has a nice sound, right?"

Every once in awhile I will see delivery trucks on the road with the name of McKenzie (not exactly the same, but still a visible reminder). I think one time it was a florist delivery truck. I immediately thought of all the flowers we were inundated with after her funeral. Too bad I don't have a green thumb, right? :(

Every morning I see my scar from her birth. It is her scar. I didn't have one with Emma. I wouldn't have had one with Madelyn either if it weren't for Mackenzie. It is her scar. But the other day I noticed Ryan's scar too. Some of you may not know, but about a month before Mackenzie was born Ryan had a hernia that had to be surgically removed. We worried about how we would both be sore from surgery and childbirth that we wouldn't be able to do it all by ourselves in the beginning. We had no idea... I don't know if Ryan looks at his scar and thinks of her as I look at mine, but I do know we each have our own little signs of Mackenzie that remind us of her.

Well, today I was provided the link to a blog about a little baby that has HLHS that was another little reminder of her. My friend thought of me when she heard about him. He is going to be undergoing the second surgery. I looked at the website and thought about how life would be so different had Mackenzie lived past that first surgery. Would she have survived the 2nd? 3rd? Would her little heart have given out later in life? I don't want to think about what if's because there are a lot of things we have now that we wouldn't have if things hadn't happened as they did? (that sentence sounds confusing, doesn't it?)

Sometimes it is just the little things, right?

Perspective

2011-02-17T09:42:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been a little down in the dumps. Things have been hard. Work has been boring, pointless, annoying - all of the above. I've expressed on my other blog the challenges of my weekly chores. It is hard for me to get out the door on time and I find myself stressing over the little things. Being on time to work is a little thing in my job. There is only one other person in the office at 8. What is more important: stress, yell, run around like a chicken with my head off or take time in the morning to enjoy the very short time I have with each day with them?

I've proposed some changes at work and we'll see if those requests will be met, but in that I had to sit down and think about how much time I actually spend with the girls each day (besides the weekend). Guess how much time I get with them? 3 hours! Three. Freakin'. Hours. That's it. They spend more time with their teachers than with their own mother! In fact, Emma drew a picture at school one day that consisted of her, Ryan, Madelyn and ---Ms. Lorraine (her teacher). Hello!!??! If that was not a wake up call, I don't know what is. I'm not saying I want to be home with them all day everyday, because then I might find myself hiding in a closet some days. But it made me realize that work, money, having the cutest things, etc. is so not important.

They really do grow up so fast. It is cliche, but they do. Madelyn will be 1 in 3 months. She will be walking, chasing Emma and turning into a little girl. I would have lost that sweet time to just hold her and cuddle with her. I'm sure every mom goes through this, but after losing Mackenzie I have learned to cherish the small moments. This is something I have to work on. I cannot stress about getting out the door on time. I cannot vent to a 5 year old about how I am going to be late to work. She shouldn't care and neither should I. I hope that things start to get better around here. We've had a lot of stress going on lately and I just hope that these changes I have proposed can help us be a better family and realize what is important in life.

Sometimes...

2011-02-11T11:00:00.000-06:00

I realized that:

Sometimes it is okay to not mention Mackenzie to new people. Obviously if they don't know me well or don't know of the situation I am not going to just offer up this information. Talk about Debbie Downer, right? I don't want to be that person. There is a new guy (temp) in my office that has no idea about what happened 22 months ago. He'll hear a lady in my office say something like "this is nothing compared to what you and Ryan have been through..." I'm sure he's probably thinking to himself "what happened?" But of course I am not going to explain it to him - there is just no need. He probably would feel more awkward if I told him than if he just pondered about what it is.

However:

Sometimes you do need to explain. Last night I went out with a friend and there was another lady there. My friend knows what happened and was with us through it all. The lady asked a question about if I ran while pregnant with Madelyn. She only knows of the 2 mentioned children. I had to explain that I didn't because...(I ran with Mackenzie almost the whole time and chose not to because I wanted to do everything I could to protect Madelyn - even though running had nothing to do with it). When I explained that I had another child, but she passed away I kept it very brief. I just mentioned it and then went into my reasoning.

Sometimes it is just hard to have to skirt around everything that happened. Its like you have to live your life like normal, but keep it a secret when meeting new people. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair to her. Fair to me. Fair at all. It is like it is leading a secret life or something. Maybe I need a scarlet letter so people can see that and be like "Oh! Now I get it. That explains a lot." I guess we all lead a secret life in some ways thought, right?

Heart Healthy

2011-02-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

Today as I did my morning routine of checking email, facebook and all the blogs I follow, I felt like there was a sign! Remember my last post about February being American Heart Month? Well, this morning two of the many blogs that I follow were both about the same thing. This blog and this blog were both having Quaker giveaways (I think they were the exact same giveaway). The thing that grabbed me was the message on them. The very first paragraph on one of the blogs was "We are ALL amazing! Did you know that part of being amazing means we need to take care of our bodies, and that starts with taking care of our heart!" Hello!!?! Did I not just say that? The other one said "Starting your day with a healthy breakfast, daily exercise, and eating heart healthy snacks all help build a healthy heart." It seems like people are trying to get the message out there! You should embrace the fact that you have a chance to make yourself healthy. Don't start your day thinking "I don't need to exercise - I'm already thin" or "I am too far gone to start something". That is what I call giving up. Take what you were given and go with it.

After reading this it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It made me feel like maybe I got a message across with my own personal post about being heart healthy to someone that needs it. Sometimes you just need a little push; someone to tell you that they want you to be there and they care about you and your health. Since this month is about being heart healthy, I think I'm going to try to post once a week about how to get there. Because your health is important to me and it should be important to you!

February is...

2011-02-03T16:58:00.000-06:00

Not only is this the month for Valentine's Day, but more importantly February is American Heart Month. If you are reading this, you were probably born with a healthy heart. If not, then you are aware of the problem and have learned how to modify your lifestyle or how to take care of your heart. Mackenzie was born with a heart problem that no one knew about prior to her birth.

Did you know...

Heart disease is the #1 cause of death
Congenital heart defects, one of the most common types of birth defects, affect nearly 1% of all infants born in the US
Heart disease is the third leading cause of death among women aged 25–44 years and the second leading cause of death among women aged 45–64 years
The average age for a first heart attack for men is 66 years

You might be asking why I'm telling you this information. Well...if you are reading this you are important to me. You might be a family member, friend, or someone from cyberspace that came across this blog somehow. So, yes, I do care about you. I want you to take care of the healthy heart you were given. Mackenzie wasn't given a healthy heart, so be thankful for what you were given.

You can do this in different ways, but the obvious ones are to get out there and exercise. I understand it is brutally cold outside for most of the country (at least for this week it has been), but does that mean you are glued to your couch? Do a few trips up the stairs. Walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. I'm not trying to tell people to lose weight here, I'm trying to make you aware of what your heart needs to be healthy. Try eating an extra vegetable tomorrow. Cut back on salt. You know what is best for you. And when you start to feel lazy or feel like there is no point, think of Mackenzie. Every time I run and I want to stop, I think of her. I think about how she was never given the chance to run. I think about how her heart wasn't healthy so I need to make sure mine is. Think of her.

Oh and BTW, tomorrow is National Wear Red Day. So bust out your red clothes (men too) in support of fighting heart disease in women. It is important to show what you believe in.

Birthday Card

2011-01-26T15:33:00.000-06:00

I went looking for cards today for various events: Emma's birthday, Valentine's day for my children, nieces & nephews, hubby, and a co-worker that is leaving. I spent about an hour at Hallmark and spent more than I thought one could spend on cards.

I take awhile in my search for cards. I have to get the right one for that person. KWIM? Am I the only one? Well, in passing I saw this little angel (I think) on the front of a card that was blowing a kiss. The reason I say I think it was an angel is because it was of a little girl wearing white and it looked like stars in the background, but who knows what it was really intended to be. Anyway, you open it up and it said:

"Blowing you a kiss on your birthday"

I looked at it and thought that it would be a perfect card to Emma from Mackenzie. You know, like she is actually sending her a birthday kiss. I didn't buy it though. I wanted to, but part of me thought it would just make her birthday more of an emotional affair rather than celebratory. But we all know that she will be celebrating with us on Emma's special day!

What NOT to say

2011-01-16T20:36:00.000-06:00

If you know me well, then you know that my daughter (Emma) and I can "duke" it out. We are like the sisters that constantly nag each other just to get under the other's skin. Okay, I'm not that juvenile, but we do have our share of silly arguments. There are times when she will just push my buttons. I am the disciplinarian and always have been. That is my role. I am sure that some of you think I might be too hard on her at times, but I associate that strictness with her very good behavior (which many people and strangers comment on regularly).

Anyway, I digress. The other night at dinner Emma was upset about something. I don't know if I did something or if she was just annoyed in general but I said to her "You should just be glad that you have a mother that does that. What if I wasn't around anymore?"

Now, let me stop and say that I wasn't meaning that I was going to die or that I was going to leave the family. I honestly was just trying to get a point across. Well, a lesson was learned - by me! She looked at me all sad after that. And then said "What would be bad is if what if you, Daddy and Madelyn weren't around?" Her eyes filled up with tears and I could see legit sadness on her face. It is as if she was thinking about if that really were to happen. I quickly told her that nothing like that was going to happen and gave her hugs and made sure she knew that. I told her we wouldn't talk about us not being around anymore and changed the subject.

Inside I felt awful. This child has experienced death. She knows what it truly feels like. And yes, she was only 3 at the time but she is more perceptive than normal 3 year olds. This is the child that cried during the movie Tangled when she thought Finn (?? I didn't see it) was going to die. I have to remember that she knows so much more than she should. She has experienced and lived through a devastating tragedy and I can't forget that. As much as I want her to be a normal, happy, innocent child I know that she has been somewhat scarred by the effects of death and I hate that.

Another Year...

2010-12-31T15:30:00.000-06:00

As 2010 draws to a close, it makes you think about all the things that have happened in the last year. I feel like we've come so far. We have this new baby that we were so frightened about bringing into the world. Now...we're comfortable and very familiar with it all. In the beginning, I think we were a little on edge. What if something was wrong and it wasn't caught? What if we don't watch her at all moments and something happens? I think, as much as I hate to admit it, that living in the apartment was a good thing. We were forced to have Madelyn in the room with us until she was 3 months old. With Emma, we booted her out at about 6 weeks. I think having Madelyn literally 5 feet away from us was a blessing. Whew! A sigh of relief.

I think about how things were at this time last year. I was pregnant, but not comfortably far enough along. We hadn't told our friends (just family). We were walking on eggshells. We were so scared about what might happen, but we were hopeful. I think this year has relieved that feeling. It has taken {some} doubt out of our minds. It has been an apprehensive year, but definitely a good one. I think every year gets a little bit better and it makes us realize the things we do have instead of the things that are absent. We got a sweet little baby that was sent to us by her older sister. We are so happy to have this wonderful family and hope it continues to grow someday.

We hope everyone has a very good 2011.

Our Angel

2010-12-08T21:00:00.000-06:00

When we decorated our tree this year, we do it as we normally do: Everyone is together, kids are in PJ's and we listen to John Denver and the Muppet Babies {I know, I know}. So, this year was not any different. As we were putting the ornaments on the tree, I remembered that we had one personalized last year for Mackenzie. I bought it off the Internet so that we could make sure that we remember her every holiday season. I never got to put it on the tree last year because I purchased it after the holiday was over. In our old house we never put it away with the ornaments - it was in a drawer. Well, since the move I couldn't remember where it was relocated.

Luckily, Ryan found it and we attached the hook to it. We wanted it to go in the front of the tree so others can see it. She is our angel and we are proud of her. The symbolism is important. We thought it would be nice if Emma was the one that got to put that ornament on the tree this year. She did it proudly! Maybe we will start something each year where we take turns putting it up.

The "Mackenzie Angel" sits in the front of the tree close to the top. It is a nice touch to our traditional ornaments and it makes us realize the true meaning of Christmas a little more.

Someday by Alison Mcghee

2010-12-03T22:09:00.000-06:00

This book is one of my favorite things to read to Emma. I bought it around Mother's Day right after Mackenzie died. I saw it in Barnes and Noble and had to have it. Every time I read it, I get a little weepy. I don't necessarily cry, but I do feel that lump in my throat. I don't know if I am affected by this book more so because I am a mother or because what I've been through. Probably a little bit of both. Either way - if you are a mother of a daughter (no matter how old) you have to get this book. I read it to Emma tonight. I got a little emotional. I told her that I wanted her to keep this book and read it to her daughter. When I read this, I feel like it is a story written by my mom. Especially the part about sorrow (see below). I guess I feel connected to this book in so many ways. It is so moving and so loving. Also, I'm sure me posting this entire story is somewhat illegal, but I feel like I'm advertising the book more than stealing its words, right??!!? :)

Here is the story (but seriously go buy it!):

One day I counted your fingers and kissed each one.

One day the first snowflakes fell, and I held you up and watched them melt on your baby skin.

One day we crossed the street, and you held my hand tight.

Then, you were my baby, and now you are my child.

Sometimes, when you sleep, I watch you dream, and I dream too...

That someday you will dive into the cool, clear water of a lake.

Someday you will walk into a deep wood.

Someday your eyes will be filled with a joy so deep that they shine.

Someday you will run so fast and so far your heart will feel like fire.

Someday you will swing high - so high, higher than you ever dared to swing.

*this is the page that gets me every time*

Someday you will hear something so sad that you will fold up with sorrow.

Someday you will call a song to the wind, and the wind will carry your song away.

Someday I will stand on this porch and watch your arms waving to me until I no longer see you.

Someday you will look at this house and wonder how something that feels so big can look so small.

Someday you will feel a small weight against your strong back.

Someday I will watch you brushing your child's hair.

Someday, a long time from now, your own hair will glow silver in the sun.

And when that day comes, love, you will remember me.

Go ahead. Grab the tissues!

Worth Every Word...

2010-12-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

I received a very unexpected message on Facebook the other day from someone I didn't know. They were thanking me for this blog! She recently lost her baby and someone passed this along to her. It makes me feel so good inside to know that these words have helped others. That's what it is all about, right?

I also didn't know that people (other than my normal followers) were reading this blog. It is really nice to know that people read these words. They feel my thoughts. And maybe...just maybe...they can relate (in different ways) to how I'm feeling. It is very rewarding to me. When I started this blog I had no idea that it would be a form of support for some - it was more of just an outlet for me. I hope I can continue to help others who have experienced such a loss.

This time of year

2010-11-30T15:34:00.000-06:00

This time of year is one of my favorites! First it starts with my birthday. Soon after that we have Thanksgiving and then come Christmas and New Year's. It is just one big party from November until January. Maybe I like it because of all of the gifts or maybe it is because of all the time off from school/work. Whatever the reason is, it makes me happy. There is a little pep in my step.

However, there is a little sadness during these times as well now. There are a lot of "what if"s. There are a lot of extra hugs to my sweet girls. There is more hand holding by my husband. As much as this time of year now pains me, it also makes me realize how much people care about us. They might be more willing to go out of their way to help us get through this holiday season. And that is why we are forever thankful.

Mackenzie's Baptism

2010-11-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

Most of you know that Madelyn was baptised this past weekend. She was roughly 5 1/2 months old, which is almost exactly what Emma was when she was baptised. Talk about consistency, right?!!? While standing there, it made me think about when Mackenzie was baptised. I remember it vividly. I wasn't there of course because I was recovering from surgery 30 miles away, but I remember when Ryan came back to the hospital that evening.

I believe it was done on her birthday, although it might have been the next day. He came in the room late that night. It had to have been close to midnight. I was asking him questions about how she was doing and if there was any more information that he had heard from the doctors (at this point we didn't know much). And then he told me they had her baptised. Now, I'm somewhat new to the Catholic Church and some things are a little fuzzy for me. But I remember getting a little angry. Not yelling angry, but more like "why would you do that?" angry. I actually think I asked him that question. I remembered that he said something like he thought that is what needed to be done and then I asked the question. I said, "you did it because you think she's going to die, huh?" Of course he told me no, but I remember just crying. Things were so up in the air at that point. We didn't really know what was wrong with her or how serious it really was. It was hard for me to think that my child was baptised due to health concerns. The hospital provided a dress for her, but she couldn't wear it. He said they just draped it over her. That dress is tucked away in the "Mackenzie Box" amongst her other items.

It makes me sad to think that I missed that precious event. I know it wasn't done in the fashion that Emma and Madelyn's was done in, but I feel like I should have been there. I feel like I missed out. I am glad that it happened though and that Ryan was there with her. It makes me happy to know that he has gotten to see all three of his daughters be baptised and I'm sure it means a lot to him too.

Ghosts from the Past

2010-11-11T21:40:00.000-06:00

In this post, I mention a nurse that brought in music from The Beatles for Mackenzie. I don't know if I ever mentioned the music before, but let me explain. He brought it in on a tape. Played it in a tape player. I am talking about one of those tape players from back in the day when you were in school and your teacher would pop in a tape that corresponded to a slide projected movie. Now do you know what I'm talking about? So, this tape player had to have been old. Maybe he found it in the basement of the hospital, I don't know. It was strange to me, but reassuring to know that someone was thinking about Mackenzie in that way. Like he was thinking "this baby needs a classical rendition of The Beatles today..." Either way, it was sweet.

Anyway, I digress. A little history: after her heart surgery she was brought to the PICU (I think is what it was called). It consisted of individual rooms for the patients instead of just cribs like in the NICU. She had her own nurse that was assigned to just her. She had her surgery on a Wednesday. On that day and the next day she had a female nurse during the day. She was young and sweet. When we came up there on Friday, she had this male nurse - The Beatles lovin' nurse. He was a little older (maybe mid 40's) and not as upbeat and peppy. His name was Pedro. He would play this tape for her. Over and over and over. The tape seemed warped because the tune just wasn't quite right. I remember this guy asking about where we lived because I think Ryan and I had been discussing the traffic on the way home. We told him the general area and he said he lived over there too. He named a cross street and I was somewhat familiar with it, but we went about our business.

Well...Emma and I went to a Halloween Haunted House festival thing at our neighborhood pool. While standing in line to enter the haunted house I see Pedro! I know it is him. I have that kind of memory that will remember a face that I meet (even if it was only for a split second). I remember his face. It totally was him, but I doubted myself. Then, I remembered the conversation about where he lived. Hmmmm....Interesting. Then one day this week on my way home, I see a man and his wife walking their dogs. Guess who it is? Pedro! Yep. He totally lives in our neighborhood.

Another eerie thing is that while trick-or-treating I swear I saw the echocardiologist that diagnosed Mackenzie and participated in the surgery. I can't be for sure, as this woman just passed by me with her kids on the street and I never saw her again. That might have been my eyes playing tricks on me, but how weird would that be? I guess as much as I try to forget about all the terrible things that Mackenzie went through, I am reminded of them.

The Grays

2010-11-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

The Grays are not some fun family friends or people that we enjoy spending time with. Nope. They're the "friends" that sit upon my head; tucked away in my hair. I try to keep them hidden as best as I can, but those pesky things peek out to shine and shimmer in the light. I got my hair done last week. I had my appointment scheduled since August and I couldn't cancel it. Nor did I need to. My hair was bad - to say the least. Those grays were popping out everywhere in the front and I couldn't hide them any longer. My hair dresser pushed the hair in the front of my head back and said "man, she tore you up!" She was talking about the pregnancy with Madelyn. But I don't think that was it. She obviously knows my history, so I know that she was thinking about that. I don't know what it was that did it though. During my pregnancy, the hair was gray but not so much all over. Just the typical strays in the front. After I had Madelyn and I was on leave, the gray seemed to disappear. I almost cancelled getting my hair colored because I didn't think I needed it. I kept it though because I could always use a touch up. I went back to work 2 weeks after that appointment. My hair is usually colored about every 10-12 weeks, but I barely made 10 weeks this time! I know that Mackenzie had an effect on my hair color. It was stressful to go through all of that. Then, to get pregnant so quickly after that was another contributor. I was happy to be pregnant but still very cautious. We worried and I'm sure that didn't help my color hue. But sometimes I wonder what is it that has changed my hair like this. Is it age? Genetics (thanks Dad)? Stress of what life has thrown at us? Kids? Or just being at work?

Madelyn is nothing but the sweetest baby. I would never blame my hair troubles on her. And even though my job is not a stressful job, I almost wonder if just working has done it to me. Hmmmmm...

Its that time again

2010-10-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is October 15th. I know, I know. You're probably checking your calendar thinking about what holiday or birthday it is that you have forgotten. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I remember making this post and then people telling me that they didn't know about it and didn't light their candle in time. So, I'm putting it up a day before hoping that you all will remember Mackenzie and any other little baby or family that you may know.

We will be attending a candle light vigil at a local park. Last year, it was very subtle at the house. We each light one wick of a three wick candle. We let it burn for an hour. We hope that we are able to make it to the park, but realize that with 2 little ones it can be difficult. If we do not make it, we will definitely do our own remembrance as a family.

Latest Visit

2010-10-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

On Sunday we decided to go out to the cemetery and visit Mackenzie. It had been months since we last went and the weather has been so beautiful, we figured it was a good opportunity to go. We brought Emma and Madelyn along with us. We stopped and got flowers for the new vase that was recently put on the headstone. Emma picked out the flowers. Of course they were pink! She actually picked out flowers that are for Breast Cancer Awareness month. They were white and pink and part of the proceeds went towards breast cancer research. What was really sweet about these flowers was that there was one lone dark pink flower. She said that it was a pink one just for Mackenzie.

Before we went out, Emma made a card for Mackenzie while we were getting ready. She was so cute. She showed us the card she made and was so proud of it. She was holding it to her chest and walking around our room as if she was hugging it. It was so sweet! She was even really good (most of the time) while we were out there. She went on a hunt to find some acorns, so that kept her occupied for awhile. Then she just sat with us in her chair and enjoyed the peacefulness. If you haven't been out there, it is a very pretty and serene place which is one of the reasons we picked that location.

One thing we did notice (which Ryan's parents mentioned to us a few weeks ago) was that she had grass! The last time we went there was just a little grass over her plot. It didn't look that great and we thought about planting grass, but just hadn't done it yet. When we went out there, there was tons of grass. At first we thought that maybe someone put some seed down or something, but after looking around I think it is just a symptom from all of the rain we received over the past few months. Most of the other plots seemed to have grass too, so I am assuming it all came from the rain. Nevertheless, it looks really good no matter how it got there. It was a good visit. Hopefully we can make it back again before the weather starts getting too cold.

My Dear Friend

2010-09-30T09:08:00.000-05:00

I have a good friend that I haven't known too long, but has been a good friend. It is like we've known each other for years. I met her when I was searching for a temp to cover my position at work when I was pregnant with Mackenze. I believe she started in January so that gave us 2 months to work together. She is an Aggie and we had a lot of the same view points. We connected very quickly. She was pregnant at the time too, but not due until late June. I would have been back from maternity leave before she was to have her baby. Obviously I came back sooner than I should have, but she was so kind to me during that time. I hadn't known her long at all, but she was one of the ones that made sure I was doing okay. We met and had lunch regularly. I saw her little boy about once a month. I talked to her about things that I didn't feel I could say out loud to others. When I became pregnant with Madelyn, I asked if she would cover for me again while I was out. She agreed and said she kept all of her notes from the previous year, as if she knew in the back of her mind that she'd return to help out.

My dear friend and I are now connected in another way. Her mom passsed away this past weekend. It was very unexpected and quite shocking. Of course most everyone has experienced a loss in some sort of way. But Mackenzie's entire illness and passing was unexpected, as well as her mom's. She wasn't really close to her mom, but is now in a state of shock. I wasn't 'close' to Mackenzie because I hadn't had the joy of getting to bond with her, but was shocked when things happened the way they did.

After learning of her mom's passing, memories of Mackenzie's last day flooded my mind. I just remember so many good thoughts and then so many bad ones. My friend is having to plan the funeral and take care of arrangements all by herself since she is an only child. She is lost in where to start and I totally understand what she's going through. I now have more knowledge of how to plan a funeral than I thought I'd ever have. I think when someone really close to you dies, you mourn the loss differently than it being someone you didn't really quite know. I didn't know Mackenzie. I mentioned in this post that I didn't really bond with this pregnancy. Maybe that was God's way of making the loss easier (did really just say it was easy?) for us to handle.

I know what my friend is going through and saddened that we are bonded with this tragedy. A loss is a loss and I know she is upset. Please think about her during this difficult time. She was such a great friend to me during my loss, I don't know how I could repay her for all the things she did for us.

Mi casa es su casa

2010-09-14T09:04:00.000-05:00

As most of you know we recently moved into our new house. This is the house that we picked out. We had the opportunity to build this house from scratch with all (well most) of our likings. It was important for us to do this. Last year around this time, we had just decided that we wanted to try again for another baby. I couldn't bring a new baby home to the old house. There was nothing wrong with the house, of course. But I just couldn't do it. That bedroom was Mackenzie's bedroom. It was hard enough for us to change our habit of calling it Mackenzie's room to calling it the guestroom. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if we had a new baby in her room. That is pretty much what inspired us to put our house on the market. We didn't know how long it would take to sell seeing that the market was pretty bad at the time, but we were patient. When we finally got an offer (on Mackenzie's birthday, I might add) we jumped at it. We couldn't beat it, especially in such a short time of being up for sale.
In the meantime we had been looking at other houses that were for sale. Our realtor would send us houses that she thought might be good for what we were looking for. Even though some of them were nice, it was almost as if we both knew we needed to start fresh. We needed a brand new start. A clean slate. Hence, the building of our new house. This house is big for us (not ginormous or anything). It gives us things we've dreamed of having. It gives us the chance to provide a lovely home for our children. It gives us more room to grow. But the best thing of all is that it gives us room for family!

Throughout all of this, we have learned the importance of family and good friends. They are very hard to come by, especially in the case of a tragedy. This house allows us to have family and friends over. They can stay for one night or stay all week. They can visit for the day and kids can play outside. We can drink wine on the patio. We now have the opportunity to do all of these things and that is important to us.

A lot of people think that a new house means showing off. It is like you want people to be jealous of what you have and what they don't. This isn't, and never will be, the case. Our house is something that we built for ourselves, but most of all for our family and friends!

Real Emotion

2010-09-03T08:39:00.000-05:00

Emma has recently discovered that she loves to help feed Madelyn her bottles. She'll sit on the bed (or wherever we are) and help prop the bottle in Madelyn's mouth. She enjoys doing it and I think it makes her feel like she actually is doing it all on her own. Last night we were getting Maddie ready for bed. Ryan was feeding her, Emma was helping and I was taking a rest from packing. Out of the blue, Emma asked me "Mommy, are you sad about Mackenzie?" I didn't know what she was asking really. Did she mean was I sad right then at that moment or just sad in general - so I asked her to clarify what she meant. And then it happened. She said she was sad about Mackenzie because she doesn't remember her being in our family! OMG! She had a quivering chin and her eyes got all watery. This was the first time I've ever seen her cry from a truly sad feeling before. It broke my little heart in half. We explained to her that it was probably because she didn't get to do these things (like helping feed Madelyn) with Mackenzie. Also, Mackenzie never really "lived" with us. Emma was 3 at the time, so things are very tangible at that age. If there isn't a baby in the home, then the baby doesn't really belong to us.

We explained that Madelyn will never know about Mackenzie like Emma does. I told Emma she would have to tell her all about Mackenzie. There isn't a lot for her to tell since I think Emma only saw her once or twice, but we talked about things she remembered. She remembers having to wear the special gown over her clothes before going in the room to see her - in fact she will randomly ask about that on a regular basis. I got the picture that we have of Mackenzie in Emma's room down and put it on her nightstand last night. She said that she forgets that is Mackenzie because it looks like Madelyn. We explained to her that if she ever wants to talk about Mackenzie, it is okay. We are happy to talk about her and remember her.

And then she changed the subject to something completely different, as most 4 year olds do! :)

Times like these...

2010-08-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

Well, little Miss Maddie is growing big already! We knew it would happen, but I was hoping we'd already be in the new house by now so all of her clothes would be more organized. Instead we have Rubbermaid boxes stacked in our room that is full of hand-me-downs.

As Madelyn was sleeping in her crib today, I figured there was no better time than now to get out a few items that she could wear in the 3-6 month range that are more "summer" type outfits and weed out any in the drawers that she is stretching her way into right now. We have tons of clothes from Emma but they are not necessarily seasonal for Madelyn's age. The sad thing is that I can totally look at an outfit and tell you who it is from, if it was a gift or we bought it and who it was bought for. Most of Mackenzie's things are in her own tub. She got some clothes, but obviously didn't have the huge wardrobe just yet. I have to admit that I got a little weepy when I was looking through these. There are things that were bought for Mackenzie as gifts that she never got to wear. And now I'm passing them down to Madelyn. Some items will never be worn because they were newborn size and I didn't come across them until Madelyn was passed that size. In fact, I saw an outfit in there that Emma and I bought together at Carters at the outlet mall specifically for Mackenzie. I remember buying it. I remember Emma picking it out. I remember how excited Emma was and it breaks my heart.

It makes me happy to pass things on to Madelyn that were specifically for Mackenzie, but it is a different type of happiness. It is a painful happiness. Madelyn has to have a blanket for daycare. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot I'd like to keep up there - they are either small receiving type blankets or something that was homemade by family. When I was searching the tubs for blankets I came across a blanket that was for Mackenzie as a Christmas gift which I have thought about passing onto Madelyn (not for daycare of course). There are so many memories of Mackenzie that lurk around us on a daily basis. I feel proud to know that I am going to pass these things onto my daughters. I hope one day that when they have their own children, I can also pass some of Mackenzie's things to them at that time to share with their own babies. Maybe these small things can be a family heirloom that continues on and keeps the memory of Mackenzie going.

Still Here

2010-08-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. I don't seem to update this blog very often anymore, but I know I still have an audience so I figured I'd chime in. We still think about Mackenzie everyday, especially with Madelyn being here, but I don't think about it in the same way.

I guess you go through phases in dealing with this sort of tragedy. I know we were angry, jealous, sad, etc. at various times during our healing. I think Ryan and I now have a sense of compassion. We feel for people who have been through this or are dealing with a questionable future with their own child. Death in general is a very hard thing to go through, but the death of a child seems to touch many people. Some people avoid talking about her. It is like they think that since Madelyn is here now, that all the feelings about Mackenzie have gone away. That is just not true. Sometimes I look at Madelyn and think about how she wouldn't be here if Mackenzie had lived. I think about how she is so special to us and she doesn't even know it. I think about how much Emma has helped us to get through such a tough time and how she will never know how much I love her for that. So, even though I'm thinking about Emma and Madelyn it is indirectly related to Mackenzie. Everything that happened did so for a reason. It strengthened us all and has given us a new sense of hope in all that we do. It made us better people. A stronger family. And for that, I thank her.

Discontinue?

2010-07-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

I'm a little torn on this blog nowadays. I feel like the purpose of it was to be theraputic for me (and Ryan) and to reflect on our thoughts about Mackenzie and our family. It definitely served its purpose. But lately, I feel as though my posts are now related more to my thoughts about Madelyn instead of being really about Mackenzie.

I've thought about making this blog into a book (there is an option to get this published with blogger) or maybe just discontinuing it all together. Of course, I still have personal thoughts about her daily but I guess I don't feel that I need to express that in blog format, if you will, anymore.

I know there are people that still read this and maybe some of you have found this to be beneficial to you in order to deal with your own personal struggles. Would it be wrong and a disgrace to discontinue this blog? I feel like I should continue it for Kenzie's sake. But, I also feel that I can post this stuff on our regular blog because I am comfortable doing that now (I wasn't in the very beginning). I guess I'm torn on this decision and it will be something that I will be making in the coming months. Is it fair to her?

Maddie meets Kenzie

2010-07-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we took a visit to the cemetery to visit with Mackenzie. We hadn't been there since her birthday and it felt like it had been too long. Emma is away on vacation and, like I've said before, it is much easier to go there and spend time with Mackenzie without Emma. We did bring Madelyn though. She spent most of her time sleeping, but it was good to go out there with her. It is the first time we have been out there since Maddie was born. It was a very pleasant day for mid-July in San Antonio. Yes it was very sunny, but her portion of the cemetery has quite a few trees that provide lots of shade. There was also a nice breeze that kept us cool. We were there for about an hour and it was just very nice to be there.

The day was also special because 2 years ago to the date was when we found out we were pregnant with Mackenzie. You might be thinking how in the world I remember the exact date. Well, there were a few reasons.

We had started trying for our first month back in June. For 4th of July that year we were invited to go to my boss' lake house and ride in his boat on Lake Austin. It was about a week before my period was to come and Ryan swore I was pregnant. I, on the other hand, was adamant that I wasn't. We bought one of those tests that is supposed to be accurate even before you are late. I think I took the test about 4 days early and it was negative. I was sure I wasn't pregnant.
Fast forward a few days to when my cycle was suppose to start up again. I think I was 1 day late. I was still very positive that I wasn't b/c I wasn't having any symptoms (didn't really have any with Emma either though).
July 11, 2008 I took a test and it said positive! I still was in doubt - shock was more like it - but it was also my mom's birthday. What a wonderful gift!

So, that is how the date will always stick in my head. Everything with my pregnancy with Mackenzie was such a blur. I was disconnected and very busy. I regret now that I didn't have the "bonding" experience with her but I know that it was still a special time. We are glad now that all of our children will have the knowledge of their sister in Heaven. We plan on talking about her and making sure that everyone knows what happened. We are glad that Madelyn has finally met Mackenzie. It was a much needed visit for everyone. Next time we go we will bring Emma since she hasn't been in awhile. I'm sure she will be excited!

My Love for Running

2010-07-06T14:07:00.000-05:00

First, I'd like to say that when doctors tell you not to exercise (besides walking) after delivery / a c-section is kind of a fib on their part. I know people will not like this post because I'm going against doctor's orders, but it is how I roll. Maybe that is acceptable to people who have a newborn to take care of, but when you're all alone sometimes exercising is the only thing one can do to get you through a tough time. Last year at my 2 week appt. after the surgery, I asked the doctor about exercising. He said yes, but to take it easy. I was never in pain with the incision, but had a lot of pain in my heart. I had a lot of feelings that were inside and I had trouble dealing with them. I went back to work 3 weeks postpartum. The weekend before that I went running. Of course I had to stop quite a few times and was exhausted but listened to my body. By 4 weeks after the surgery I was doing a training program called HIIT. It is a very intense exercise that takes a lot out of you. It was hard. There were times when I wanted to stop. There were times when it hurt so bad. The thing that kept me going was Mackenzie. I know you're probably thinking that is a cliche statement, but it really was. Anytime I was hurting from all of the running, I thought about her. I thought about how she was a tiny little baby that had surgery at only 5 days old. I thought about how she had this 3 inch (or so) cut down the middle of her chest. It always broke my heart to see that each time we visited her and that is what got me through those plateaus when running.

After getting a little bored with my HIIT program, I strived to just go to the gym and RUN! I didn't care how many minutes I ran, how many calories were burned or if I stopped and had to walk. I just wanted to run as long as I could. Of course, I was at the gym and Ryan was home with Emma so that limited my time but that is what I did. I had goals that I would run 5 miles each run on the weekend. During the week, I would try for 3 miles.

People have told me that I was very thin last Summer after having Mackenzie - I wasn't though and my weight was never too low. I think people thought I wasn't eating or that maybe I was depressed. But I am sure that I was the opposite. I wanted to run. It gave me something to do that connected me with her. Since then, I've somewhat gained a love for running. People think I'm crazy to love to run, but it is fun! It takes stress away from your daily life. It makes you feel good about yourself. It is much more fun when you're doing it with someone, but sometimes you can't always find a partner that is willing to.

So, for those of your that are struggling with your weight or with the motivation to get out there and start exercising just think about something other than running. If you are out there with the thought of "I have to lose weight" or "I'm never going to reach that goal" just think about something special to you. My thoughts of Mackenzie are present in my mind each time I run - even to this day. I think about her a lot and running helps me connect with her. Maybe you have your own special person or thought that might help you too.

The Berenstain Bears

2010-06-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

Every night when Emma goes to bed I allow her to choose the book she'd like me to read. Sometimes it is a new book and sometimes it is an old book. Emma has an overflow of books to choose from which is really good. Tonight she chose The Berenstain Bears Count Their Blessings. After reading it to her it made me realize that I should count my blessings.

I have many non-blessings to count (well, not really many but sometimes I feel like there are many) but I do have a lot of blessings to count. After I read her the book, I was holding Madelyn after her "dinner". She was drifting off a little bit in my arms and it made me realize how blessed we are. Bad things have happened. Catastrophic things have happened. Unexplainable things have happened. But the blessings are that we are a tight knit family that didn't let tragedy it break us - instead we grew closer. We have a wonderful daughter that reminds us everyday about how important it is to move forward in life. We have another daughter that has no idea about how much we love her and how she has graced our family. As much as we miss Mackenzie and think about how she has changed our lives, we also realize that she was and is a blessing to us.

When something bad happens to your family you are devastated at first. You can't grasp what has happened and you can't seem to figure out why. I can honestly say that after almost 15 months I have finally come to realize that I don't care about why things happened the way they did. It did happen and I can't change it. What I care about now is loving my family regardless, showing my daughters (and any other future children I might be blessed with) that tragedy will happen but you have to be strong to overcome it. I want to educate people on what I've gone through to let them know that they can move forward too!

Baby Book?

2010-06-21T10:02:00.000-05:00

Since we moved to the apartment we have been slowly going through Rubbermaid containers that we previously being stored at my dad's house. They contained baby items: clothes, blankets, toys, etc. that we had ready for Mackenzie but quickly boxed up. When our house went on the market my dad took them so that our closets were less cramped and looked more spacious. Since we've moved into the apartment they have literally been stacked up (6 tubs high) in our room.

We had one of the tubs out in the living room for some reason. It contained blankets, the baby monitor and some other things. I noticed that the baby book was in there still in its box. When I was pregnant with Emma, I totally had a freak out moment where I had to go buy a baby book. To much of my surprise, they don't sell them everywhere and they don't look like the ones that we had when we were kids. Today's books are more of journals instead of a stat entry book. Needless to say, we found one for her and I calmed down. With Mackenzie, my mom bought one for her. I never opened it, but it looks perfect. With our hesitancy to buy things for Madelyn prior to her birth and release from the hospital, we never bought (or never even thought about buying) a baby book for her. My dilemma is what do I do with Mackenzie's book? I've had a few thoughts and don't know which is appropriate:

Use it for Madelyn and put some sort of letter or message in there that it was given to her by Mackenzie?
Don't use it at all and just keep it in the box unopened?
Use it to fill in things for Mackenzie? The problem with this is there isn't much info to fill in.

I've thought about publishing this blog for a special book tribute to Mackenzie (to sort of replace the whole baby book thing) or making a special scrap book for her and keep with other special items we've saved for her. If those ideas end up being done, we're back to what do we do with the baby book? Any thoughts? What would you do with it?

Appreciation

2010-06-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

When we brought Emma home from the hospital we didn't know what to expect in terms of how little sleep we would get. I think they can tell you everything about what all changes, but you don't really realize it until you experience it for yourself. I think in the first month, we were very surprised at how much she would wake up and expect to eat. Eventually you get used to it and it becomes part of your daily life.

Madelyn is a really good baby (not that Emma wasn't). She likes to sleep. If she cries, all you have to do is cuddle her and she'll go back to sleep. Even when she wakes up in the night with various baby noises or crying for whatever reason, I think Ryan and I have learned to appreciate this. We didn't get this with Mackenzie. We never had her at home, so when Madelyn was born we both knew that we weren't going to get upset if we didn't get much sleep that night. We weren't going to be angry if we had to get up continuously to put a pacifier in her mouth or to change stinky diapers in the dark.

We've both realized that we appreciate the life of a child so much more now. Even when Emma starts to do things that aren't what she should or act a certain way, we are sure to make our point about how she should be behaving but we also make sure she knows that we love her even if she makes mistakes. A lot of people don't have this way of thinking. We probably wouldn't if things hadn't happened this way. But I think it is important to learn from others. Make sure you appreciate your children, your family, your friends because one day they might not be there to show them.

Blogiversary

2010-06-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

I started this blog a little over a year ago (I believe the actual date is June 1st). It amazes me to see the progress we've made since then. We started out broken and discouraged. I remember at one point talking to Ryan about future children and I think I told him that I might not want anymore because what if it happened again? Of course, I can't imagine my life with just Emma and no future of more children. I think that would have broken me even more. It would have made me dwell on what happened and never be able to move forward. Sometimes you have to take in the bad to get to a better place.

I am due to go to my 2 week appointment with my doctor this Friday to check the incision from the surgery. As this appointment approaches, I keep thinking about my 2 week appointment last year after Mackenzie. I was so very upset still. All I remember is sitting in the room and staring at the wallpaper on the wall. I couldn't look my doctor in the face. I had tears filling up my eyes the entire time he spoke. I tried so hard to be brave and strong. I didn't want to let him see me break down. He was very sincere with me and spoke to me about what happened. The bad thing is I didn't listen to a word he said. I couldn't. If I had, I would have just lost it. I think part of me was also upset with him for not finding this defect throughout my prenatal care. My 6 week check up was much better and then we later had a preconception appointment which I was in even better shape. It just goes to show that time does heal. There will always be the scar. It might be a really big scar or a deep one, but the wound heals.

I think the reason we have healed so quickly is because we never held a grudge - well, I might have in the beginning. We got over it and realized that it happened and it wasn't anything that we did. We were not to blame. We also had special moments with Mackenzie that made us appreciate life so much more. We also had a really good support system. We always had people calling, emailing, FB messaging, etc. to check on us. It was sweet and much appreciated. It helped us more than we can ever say. We have someone that has been working on a quilt for Mackenzie, another person that always sent us self-help books, and others that sent their support in other ways. We have such a great circle of friends and family, that we cannot imagine getting through this without them.

So, here's to 1 year of the "Missing Mackenzie" blog and to daily progress! Thanks for everyone's help.

Scarred?

2010-06-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

When Madelyn was born, the first thing Ryan and I did (without the other one knowing) was look at her feet. You might ask why, but when Mackenzie was born the first thing they commented on was how "puffy" her feet were. This was a sign of Turner's. The next thing we did was look at her height and weight. We knew Madelyn would be small, but not tiny. She was a whole pound bigger than Mackenzie and 3 inches longer! That was a lot of reassurance for us and some weight was lifted off of our shoulders.

Because she was born via c-section, babies tend to retain a lot of fluid in their lungs that vaginal deliveries get out. This cause Madelyn to make some "grunting" sounds, which all of the nurses explained was just her body trying to get it out. They do watch them a little closer with this grunting sound, but made sure we knew it wasn't anything serious. It also caused her to have quite a lot of spit up on Sunday. She eventually stopped, but we were obviously concerned.

We got her checked out and cleared by 3 different pediatricians. They all said she was fine. Her primary doctor even used the word "perfect". Was that too much though? I think Ryan let his worrisome bone get the best of him though. Even though we were told she was okay, he was still worried. Was she sleeping too much? Was she not waking for her food? Was she eating enough? We took Madelyn for her 1st check up yesterday. Dr. Mitchell answered all of our questions and told us that she was perfect. She knows our history and I think she knew the state that we might have been in. Madelyn is perfect. She had a precious angel watch over her for 39 weeks. She had someone hand pick her especially for us. There is a little bit of Mackenzie in her and every time I look at her, I think about Mackenzie. I thank her for this gift that we've been given. We truly do cherish her.

Morning Routine

2010-05-27T15:35:00.001-05:00

I have a very repetitious morning routine. Call me OCD. Call me boring. Whatevs! When I get into work, I check my personal email, check out cnn.com, do a little Facebook reading and then look at my blogs for any new posts. I do this all while eating my breakfast and drinking my occasional cup of coffee. The other day I came across this article on CNN. It was weird because the article seemed to be posted at perfect timing. How crazy is that this article showed up the week I am supposed to give birth?

It talks about conceiving after the loss of a child. Is this child a 'replacement' child? The couple talks about how this new child of theirs is a gift from their previous one. I truly do feel that way. When Ryan and I talked about having another one after Mackenzie passed, I knew I wanted one but it was hard to accept that she was gone. It was hard to realize that it was going to happen in such a fashion that was foreign to us. It took us both a few months, but the moment we were both ready I felt like this was Mackenzie's doing. We found out on her 6 month birthday. The moment we conceived, I knew it was a girl. I knew the name we were going to name her. It is all because this was given to us from Mackenzie. The baby. The name. Everything. It is hard right now because we want to be excited, but we're still so weary. We just know that whatever happens, Mackenzie is watching over her baby sister, her older sister and her parents. We are at ease knowing that she'll be with us tomorrow. We can't wait to introduce the new baby to Mackenzie - although I know she already knows everything about her.

Paranoia

2010-05-20T15:06:00.000-05:00

You know that song by Harvey Danger called Flagpole Sitta (often mistakenly called Paranoia)? I know you do: "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me..." Okay. Maybe you don't know the song. Either way, that song plays in my head on a daily basis now. To say I am paranoid is an understatement. I think it is hard not to be given what happened last year with Mackenzie. In my heart, I know things will be okay. We've taken every precaution necessary. We've received all the tests. We've seen all the very detailed ultrasounds. Everything seems to be good. But still there is the paranoia that creeps in. It tells me somethings are too good to be true. I think these last few weeks have made my mind go haywire. I've had 2 non-stress tests at the doctor due to paranoia. The results have been good and it helps ease my mind a bit. As the weeks have turned into days until we meet this little baby, I have turned into the crazy lady that every doctor dreads. I know it is their job to meet my every need. It is their job to tend to my requests and to give me accurate information. I really haven't been that bad - I don't show up at their office on a non-appointment day and don't call them constantly - but I know how I was with the other two previous pregnancies and this one is a little different for me.

I can tell that Ryan is a little different too. With Mackenzie I was small. I looked small. Everyone told me and we even joked that she would be a little petite lady. She was - but not for good reasons. So, with this one he is double checking to make sure that I'm measuring where I should be. We compare photos of how I looked with Emma (didn't take pics with Mackenzie). He is stressing that I eat everything on my plate, which I always do, but since I don't look like a big pregnant cow I guess to him it means I'm not big enough. It is all very sweet and I embrace his concern. I am just one of those people that doesn't gain a huge number when pregnant. I think I gained close to 27 with Emma. With Mackenzie it was probably about 20 and with this one it is about 20. I am still under 140, but the doctor is satisfied with it. Also, I know that I am eating all my meals plus some. I eat a dessert of some sort each night and I don't skip meals. I know that fear will set in if this baby is measured and weighs under 6lbs and less than 20 in. I will be 1 week early, so that might make this one be a little smaller than a regular 40 week baby but I am just hoping she is a good size so that we don't have those numbers looming around us.

Since the paranoia seems to be getting the best of both of us, I'm glad this pregnancy is almost over. I have enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but I think the anxiety is too much right now. I think I will be nervous and scared until we get home. Even after that I think I might be a little crazy. I just wish I could be like I was before - innocent, carefree, happy with life. I'm afraid that is gone for me when it comes to babies. In the back of my mind, I'm always going to think about Mackenzie. How we were so prepared for her arrival. Such fools! Even as I have started to purchase a few baby things (when I say 'a few' I truly do mean a small number), I have kept all of my receipts. I don't remove tags. With gifts we have received, I haven't opened them. They might be the most darling outfit or blanket, but I will not subject myself to that again. It is heartbreaking to go through that. I feel like I have a brick wall up around me to protect myself. It might still get broken, but hopefully it won't crumble.

We have about 1 week left and then it is time. Please keep us all in your thoughts that we make it through this next week and that our baby is handed to us in perfect condition. That is all we have ever wanted.

Overprotective?

2010-05-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

The other day Emma and Ryan were headed to pick up some dinner. We live in an apartment now, as you know, so we have to meander through a busy parking lot to get to our cars at times. We've already taught Emma to look both ways, etc. before crossing a road. She knows all of that, but we still encourage her to hold our hands. You never know when some young person is going to come around that corner going way too fast for a parking lot.

Well, I guess he got onto her about not paying attention or holding his hand. Emma said to him that he didn't need to worry about her. She said she was not a baby. He explained to her that he'll always worry about her (that's what parents do best, right?) but then went on to explain that he worries a little more due to what happened with Mackenzie. We've already lost one child and want to do whatever is in our control not to lose another. She then said he should be worried about Mackenzie then and not her. (Yes - she has a little bit of an attitude. Don't reminde me.) It is hard to explain all of our feelings to a 4 year old, of course, but I know one day she will realize our views and understand why we did things the way we did. Ryan has always been the more protective parent, but he is definitely now more so than ever! Our kids will probably hate us when they're teenagers because we'll be the parents that check up on them. But hey - can you really blame us? I'm sure she'll get over it when she's 30!

On Edge...

2010-05-10T09:32:00.000-05:00

I think things are officially starting to get to me. I have less than 3 weeks now. I still have a few unpacked (do they really need to be unpacked though) boxes in the apartment that are making my OCD get a little on edge. I need to do a little bit of cleaning now before I won't be able to bend over easily anymore - due to the c-section. We need to find a crib. Ahhhhhh!!!!

It is all starting to get to me and it is hard to control. I think I have other underlying emotions and feelings that are also there too, but are hidden deep inside. I seem to get irritated easily and I take it out on others - Ryan, Emma, people at work, random strangers on the road that can't drive :), etc. I think a good yoga workout might help a bit, but there isn't really any time. Perhaps just a few deep breaths of air will do the trick.

I find myself being excited about this new baby some days and other days just act as if we will never really have a baby at home again. It isn't a sad thought, more like that is what my head is telling me will happen. I've been pregnant for nearly 2 years now and no baby has graced our household. I guess my mind has just gotten into the habit of being pregnant, but not realizing that most likely there will be a baby. It is hard to explain, I guess. The other day, I decided I was going to unpack the 1 box that we currently have of baby items: clothes, blankets, sheets, etc. When I opened the box, it was bigger sizes than what we will need in the beginning. All I ended up getting out was the sheets and stuff. So my initial excitement just sort of turned into dread and annoyance.

I think that once we get even closer than we already are, things might start to get a little better. We haven't bought much. This is all b/c we (as organized planners that we are) were very prepared for Mackenzie last year. I sorted boxes, put old clothes into categories, arranged the dresser drawers, got the nursery all set, bought tons of diapers, had clothes hanging on all the hangers, had a bag packed for the hospital that had baby clothes for her. It was tough when we got home and had to put everything away. We packed the clothes up, disassembled the nursery, gave toys, books and other things away, gave the diapers to my sister. Ryan has mentioned that we need to get diapers soon. I haven't done it. It is the hardest thing we've ever done in our lives and I don't want to do it again. If I avoid purchasing those things now, then I won't have to deal with it if it ever happens again. KWIM?

I think all of these emotions are what is making things difficult for me in everyday life. I can't control the future and I can't predict what will happen, but I can control the present and that's what I have to do in order to keep us all in line before things start to change. Hopefully I can relax my mind enough to let me do that though. So, these next few weeks I will be trying my best to accomplish things on my list without taking my frustrations and irritants out on others. Wish me luck!

SpringFest

2010-05-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend was the annual SpringFest up at USAA. We've never been before and figured that Emma would have a lot of fun there, so we decided to make the journey. This was held up at his work, which is basically like a very nice college campus. They have golf ranges, basketball courts, tennis courts, softball fields, you name it. It is insane to see the place when you aren't an employee because it is so unlike any other place of employment that I've seen.

Keep in mind that Ryan's building alone has about 15k employees. So with that being said, you can imagine how random it would be to run into someone you know - someone who doesn't work there at all (each employee can bring 1 guest and any children in their household), someone you haven't seen in over a year.

When we first entered the festival area, Ryan saw him from afar. It was Dr. Husain - one of Mackenzie's heart surgeons. Ryan was the one that pointed him out, but he was a little too far for me to distinguish if it was him or not. I looked again and thought it might have been him, but wasn't sure so we continued on throughout the festival. What are the chances you would run into him again at the same festival with close to 10k other people there? Apparently pretty good. Ryan and Emma were standing in line for a ride and I was coming back from the bathroom. The moment I met up with Ryan he said that he saw him again in another line and wanted to go say hi. I stayed in line with Emma, but I could see the interaction between the two of them. He recognized Ryan immediately and they talked for awhile. He actually had a baby of his own (11 weeks) and was happy to hear that we were expecting a baby soon too.

I was glad that Ryan got a chance to talk to him. I don't think he would have recognized me without me reminding him of the situation. Ryan and Dr. Husain were pretty close during our week long journey. He seemed to like Ryan a lot and didn't give off the "I'm a doctor and know so much more than you" attitude that some doctors have (like the other surgeon). It was really good to see him and to know that he remembers us in a way.

One month from today...

2010-04-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

In one month...4 weeks...2 fortnights...approximately 28-31 days... However you'd like to phrase it we should have a baby to meet. We should have a healthy little girl to "ooh" and "ahh" over. We should be a happy and grateful family. I say the word "should" with such emphasis because we have been there before. We've been the happy family. We've been the ones that thought life was great and that nothing bad happened to people like us. And then tragedy struck us. We obviously don't want that to happen again, but we are more prepared for it this time than we ever were before.

My dreams for May 28th are that Mackenzie has been watching over this little girl for the entire 40 weeks (technically 39 weeks at the time of her delivery) of her life so far. I hope that she has kept her out of harms way and that she will be delivered without any complication. I imagine her getting top scores on the APGAR tests that they perform for newborns minutes after delivery. It is scary to think that we will be in the delivery room, yet again, under the same circumstances. I know that Ryan and I will be on edge - to say the least. We will be happy, excited, anxious, weary, emotional, scared, nervous...the list goes on. There is nothing I can say that will take the anxiety away. Even if I truly do believe that all will be fine, I can't help but keep that small amount of doubt in my mind. It will not go away. I think that it is kept in a very small space in my head. It is there. It might shrink with time, but will always be there unfortunately. I just hope that everything goes as planned and that our little angel is watching over all of us when the delivery happens. I hope she is there to see her sister born into the world and to embrace us all.

Our Reward!

2010-04-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Last Summer, my boss and his family went to the wine country of Napa. He is a "wine connoisseur" in my eyes, so anything he tells me is good I will believe. I am usually the girl that buys the wine at the store that has the querky, colorful labels because I like the way they look in my wine display. When he came back, he gave me a bottle of wine. It is a Cabarnet - which I absolutely love - and one of his faves.

I brought it home to Ryan and we were excited. This was all after Mackenzie had passed and before we were planning on trying again. We were tempted to open the bottle right then and there, as when we are not pregnant we usually endulge in a glass or two a night. However, we wanted this one bottle to be for a special occasion. We first thought we would drink it on our anniversary. When we found out we were pregnant last fall, that idea flew out the window. And then...it came to us! We both had the exact same thought - we would save it for after this baby is born. We are saving this bottle until we bring home a healthy baby. It will not be opened. It will not be tasted. It will not even be thought about being consumed until a baby is in our arms, at our house and everything has checked out complete! This is our reward! Oh, and sorry we won't be sharing! :)

Work, work, work...

2010-04-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

Most of you have no idea what I do - sometimes I don't even know what it is - but I work in a very small office. I handle all of the accounting and I am also the "office manager" which I put in quotes because I don't feel as though an office manager is needed for such a small office at times, although there are definitely times when I have to get involved in decision making. Anyway, I am getting my maternity leave scheduled. The girl that helped us out last year while I was out with Mackenzie, is going to help us again! She is awesome. I found her by chance and we've become good friends. It is very reassuring to know that she is going to be handling my accounts while I'm out b/c I trust her to the fullest.

The bad part about leaving work is being out of the loop. When you work with less than 10 people in an office, missing 1 day of work is enough but imagine 3 months! I love most of the people I work with and that will also be hard. I know I'll be very busy with a newborn, or rather I pray that I will be busy with a healthy newborn, but it will still be hard to be away from my second family.

Lately, things at work have been hectic. My job hasn't necessarily picked up with extra work, but other's have which has created chaos in the office. There have been arguments, email wars, animosity, etc. Did I mention our office is full of women except for the owner? That might explain all of the drama. However, this little lady doesn't need any extra drama in her life right now. Things we have going on:

Moving from our house into a small apartment: This involves packing which I should be good at since I have a slight case of OCD, but it hasn't gotten into full gear yet. We are having a lot of help from family though, so I can't complain about this one really.
Closing on house: We close on the 29th. Everything is in place as of now, but there is always that small inkling in the back of your mind about "what if" and then it makes me worry. However, I don't really think about it very often so therefore no worries.
Building a new house: This one isn't really dramatic for me, but is more exciting. I'll be home for 3 months this summer and will probably get to see the entire project from ground to finish. It excites me b/c I love this new house and can't wait for it.

So, with work going the way it has been so far I feel like all I can do is plug in the ipod and chill during the day. I get my work done, but have my ears occupied so I don't get to hear all of the other drama in the office. Thank goodness for ipods. What did people do without them?

And although I've had great OB and perinatal appointments throughout this entire pregnancy, I still have the slight worry about what if everything isn't perfect. I try not to think about that scenario, but it occasionally enters my mind. There are less than 6 weeks now and I think Ryan and I are doing well considering all of the change that is happening all at once. He's calm, so I'm calm. When he gets all antsy, then it makes me crazy. I think we might both need to get some massages after this move is over. I think a prenatal one sounds great and I've never had one before. Why wait? I think I deserve it, don't you?

Crunch Time

2010-04-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

So, I officially have 6.5 weeks until this new baby greets us. It is hard on us because Emma is so excited and we are so excited, but we still have that stigma in the back of our minds. What if something bad happens again? I know we can't think that way and we need to be positive and have positive thoughts, but shouldn't we still prepare ourselves for the worst? At least deep down in the back of our minds?

I went to Gymboree this weekend buying my nephew his 1st birthday gift. There were so many cute things for newborn baby girls. So sweet! I resisted to not buy anything, but it was very hard. I always think back to Mackenzie and the closet full of brand new clothes that she had and didn't get a chance to wear. I don't want to do that again. Deep down, I know things will be okay but what if they aren't and we are cleaning out another closet? Another thing that helps me resist the temptation to purchase is that we have so much stuff from Emma and Mackenzie. Of course all of the clothes are essentially for different times of the year, but in TX that doesn't really mean a whole lot. Everything that was for Mackenzie is still in the chest of drawers. I think we originally wanted to put them away, but them being hidden out of sight was good for us - especially since we knew we wanted another one somewhat soon. All of these clothes can be used and if there is anything we might possibly need for this baby, we'll just have to purchase ourselves. There is a Target very close by that I frequent often!

Our only necessary purchase is, of course, the crib. Our voucher expires 6/30, but we'll probably get it before then since that will only be a month after her delivery and I'm not sure how much shopping I'll be really wanting to do at that time - but you never know about me! I've started looking at reviews for cribs - hoping to avoid a recall this time - and started looking at bedding too. I know it is early and we won't even have a room for this baby until after our new house is built, but it is hard to not look at those things when you're going to have a baby in 6 weeks. Especially knowing that sometimes the bedding can go from being in stock to out of stock in a matter of minutes! The particular bedding that I want right now (and have for a few months now) is from Pottery Barn Kids. It is sweet, pink and girly. It is perfect for this little girl and I can't wait to buy it for her!

Outside Looking In

2010-04-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

I had a dream the other night that was of me walking down the street with my big pregnant belly holding Emma. She had fallen and didn't want to walk. Someone on the street rode past us on his bike and then turned around. It was an ex-boyfriend of mine. For some reason he ended up carrying Emma for me and went to my house. He later started talking about how I had a great life with a beautiful family and another one on the way. He kept talking about how nothing bad had happened to me and that it wasn't fair. In the middle of my dream, I started yelling at him saying that bad things had happened. I talked about Mackenzie and how it had affected our lives. He started to get tears in his eyes and then realized he had been wrong. That was the gist of my dream...
The problem with people and life these days is that everyone thinks your life is great if you have a picture perfect family. No one assumes that someone might be terminally ill, sick with a lifelong disease, abusive, depressed, etc. Everyone thinks that if you look a certain way and act a certain way then things are just as they should be. We all know that Leave It To Beaver doesn't exist in our world today (did it ever really exist?). The problem is that we assume what people are going through. We think that if they have a beautiful house, lovely home, steady jobs, then things must be awesome for them. If someone met me today, they would probably have no idea the pain we have gone through for the past year. They wouldn't see it on my face. They wouldn't see it in my actions. They wouldn't see it in my relationship with my husband. The only reason someone knows about Mackenzie is because they are either family or friends or they have read this blog.

Over Easter weekend, we went to Red Lobster for dinner one night. There was a table in our section that was a family of 5 or so. Out of nowhere, we hear raised voices and I think someone slammed their fist on the table in rage. Everyone stared. Everyone looked. But really!!??! I mean, yes it was a disruption to people's dinner but isn't that family more real than Donna Reed's? What family hasn't had an outburst at one time or another? Maybe it didn't involve getting up from the restaurant or raising your voice, but that is real life.

Moral of the story: next time you see someone you kind of know or don't know, don't assume that their life is perfect. Life is a struggle and a commitment. There are obstacles given to you every day. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes they are huge hurdles that you have to overcome (sometimes with assistance). Even though they look perfect doesn't mean their life is peachy keen!

We've come a long way

2010-04-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow will mark the 1 year anniversary of her passing. Sometimes it feels as though it was all just a bad dream. It makes you think that nothing even happened and maybe you just went to bed and woke up from a nightmare. But we know it did happen. We know that we had a beautiful little girl who was taken way too soon from us. As I recall the events of her last day, I realize that I knew it was going to happen. There aren't too many babies born with her conditions that make it - or at least without complications. I remember there being times during her week on earth that I was angry. I was angry at God for giving us a child that wasn't healthy. I was angry at my OB for not preparing me for what lie ahead and I was angry at her. You might ask "why would you be upset with an innocent child that cannot control how they were brought into the world?" I just remember thinking that this wasn't how my days after delivery were supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to be making trips to a hospital 30 minutes away. I wasn't supposed to be dining at the cafeteria on a daily basis. I wanted to be at home. I wanted normalcy. I wanted everything to be perfect like every pregnant woman dreams of. For some reason, I think I directed my anger towards Mackenzie.

I remember how Ryan and I made an effort to keep Emma's life as unchanged as possible. She went to school every day and she was picked up around the same time as always. It wasn't always Ryan or me that did it, but she was happy with whomever. There was one day when Ryan wanted to go back up to the hospital later that night after dinner. I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Emma. I didn't want to spend the night there with the beeps of all the machines and lights from the room. I was so selfish. Looking back, I realize that as a mother I should have been the one to do that. It should have been me and not him. He ended up staying there just a few hours and then returning at home later that night. But I do remember not wanting him to go. Why did I act that way? It was such a hard time for me for those first few days. Maybe it was that Ryan was the one to go when she was transported to that hospital. He was there when she was baptized the same day she was born. He was there for the first 2 days when I was cooped up at the hospital I delivered at. Maybe they had a bonding experience that I never got. It makes me mad to think that I acted that way towards my own child. I was selfish. I didn't want to sacrifice my lifestyle. I wanted perfection when that isn't what we were given. I guess it takes losing her to learn from my mistakes. I feel like I missed out on the few days she was with us, but I also realize that I was there for Emma during a time of confusion, sadness and unknown. I hope she can never tell me that I was never there for her - because that is all I have ever tried to do.

Since it has been a full year now since her passing, I decided to go back and read all of my blog posts. Yes, all of them. It took me awhile, but I finally finished. I think this blog has been somewhat theraputic for me. I look back and think "where was I emotionally 9 months ago?" and realize that I was nowhere near where we are. Of course, I was happy and I laughed and played. I put on a happy face. You can still be happy, but also be very upset at the same time. Sometimes people couldn't even tell. I guess I had a good poker face. I remember once I went back to work (mid April) we had a co-workers birthday. We did our traditional cake and singing "Happy Birthday" to them. I stood at the door of my office into the hallway and I couldn't sing. I couldn't even be happy for her. I was so emotionally shot. I remember tearing up in the middle of the song because all I could think about was how Mackenzie would never have a birthday. I tried hard to cover my emotions then (but I'm pretty sure my boss saw me). Everyone knew me as the fun and always happy (or most of the time) Liz. How could I be sad during the birthday song? Those were hard times, but we made it.

Ryan and I made it together. We had a lot of help and support along the way, but the 2 of us did it hand in hand. When one was down, the other one picked them up. We looked out for each other because we knew the heartache and sadness they were feeling. When one was angry, we listened to their feelings and discussed it. I don't think Ryan and I have talked about such deep things before this happened. There are still times that are tough, but we have learned so much from this that we are now support for others. Anytime there is someone we know who has to deal with such a tragedy or a sickness of a child, we feel as though it is our duty to lend an ear. Ryan has actually had to do this at work recently. I know I wasn't big on talking to anyone about our experience right after it happened, but now I feel as though I owe that to Mackenzie.

The Headstone

2010-03-31T20:59:00.000-05:00

The finished product was finally installed the week before her birthday. What a wonderful gift for all of us! There is a side vase that still needs to be installed - this is where the flowers go - but that should be done by now. It took us a long time to pick this out, as this isn't something that you have a lot of prior thought on. We thought it turned out beautifully.

This is the front of it:

In case you can't read it, the bottom says "Gone to be an Angel"

This is the back of it:

The delicate craftsmanship and carving of the angel is what took so long. After looking over invoices for this, we saw the date that we started this process was back in July! It makes everything seem very official now, but also is good for us and Emma. She now has a place that Emma can physically see that belongs to Mackenzie. She was always really confused about that part and I think this will make things a lot easier on her. We hope you all like it and that some of you can come visit her at this place sometime.

Birthday Party

2010-03-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

We had our own little private birthday party for Mackenzie this weekend. It was a beautiful weekend and perfect weather to go out to visit her (despite the crazy amount of wind we had). Ryan had his test on Saturday, so he met us there after he was finished. Emma and I made a cake for her and we also bought some yellow tulips to bring up there. We sang to her and told her how much we missed her. We hope she was celebrating up in Heaven. We also had some balloons for a balloon release. We thought it would be nice to "send" them up to her. Well, due to the wind and the fact that Ryan and I are both Aggies, they were released and went straight into a nearby tree! LOL. It was funny and sad at the same time. Next year, we'll try again and will hopefully do it closer to the open field. Sometimes I think we have book smarts, but no common sense. Oh well.

Her headstone was also installed before the weekend. It looked really nice and was a lovely birthday present for her. It is the least we can do. I'll post those pictures separately. Ryan and I wanted to thank all of those who sent us cards, flowers, plants, etc. It really does mean a lot to us to know that you all are still thinking about our family. It was a bittersweet day, but knowing that we have friends and family like that means the world to us. Thanks!

One Year Ago Today...

2010-03-26T21:19:00.000-05:00

At this time 1 year ago, Ryan and I were going into the hospital for an induction the next morning. I had gone to my OB on Tuesday and still wasn't making much progress. I wasn't dilated much, so he said that I would go in on Thursday (3/26) for prostaglandin (sp?) which would help me to dilate more. Then, in the morning I would start receiving pitocin to help induce the labor - I was over a week past due at that point. When we got to the hospital, they checked me and said that I was already at a 3 (I think) and they couldn't use prostaglandin if you are already showing signs of progression. This was an on-call doctor from the practice that was checking me. I think most would have sent me home, but since I was supposed to be back up there the following morning, she allowed us to stay. It is a good thing she did!

I believe this was all during March Madness, so if I can recall correctly I believe Duke might have been playing that night - but I'm sure Ryan would remember exactly which teams were playing. We were watching the game and I think I tuned into Grey's Anatomy as well. I started having my own contractions, and much like my labor with Emma, they were very intense. They were painful, but nothing I couldn't handle at the time. I think around 11 pm the nurses came in because of the severity of the contractions. They ended up giving me a shot of terbutaline sometime in the night which was supposed to stop the contractions or slow them down. This is also a drug they give asthma patients during an attack. The problem is that it makes your heart rate increase - I think. So, they had to give me something else to get my heart and the baby's back in check. Sometime in the middle of the night, 2 nurses rushed in and were moving me in all sorts of different positions. I was flipped. I was rolled. I was on my hands and knees. Scared out of my nerves. What in the world is going on and why are they making me do all of this? After all of the trauma we endured the week following her birth, I don't even recall exactly what was happening during this part. I think Mackenzie's heart rate had dropped really low. They thought that maybe the cord was wrapped around the neck and if I was in a different position it might help. It didn't. They prepped me for a c-section. I was scared because this is not what I wanted and didn't understand the severity of what all was happening. I remember the on-call doc calling me while I was being prepped. She told me that I had a guardian angel watching over me because if I had been at home, Mackenzie probably would not have made it. If I had been at home, they wouldn't have gotten her out in time and I would have had a completely different tragedy on my hands. I guess she was meant to enter the world and grace us with her life.

This all happened fairly early in the morning. I believe she was delivered sometime after 5 a.m. I think we were both scared about what was happening and about the surgical procedure. Ryan got to be there when she was born and he took a few pictures. I don't think he got to do everything he did when Emma was born, but I honestly have no idea. I was being sewed back up and he was off doing Daddy things. She was a tiny little thing, weighing only 5lbs. 10oz. She had brown hair and blue eyes. At this very moment, we were happy parents that had just added an addition to our family. We were ecstatic and couldn't wait for Emma to meet her. I couldn't wait to meet her either, as I didn't get to hold her (or barely even see her) due to the c-section. We had no idea that our world was about to be turned upside down. We didn't know that later on that day we would receive devastating news and a possible diagnosis. We didn't know she would be transferred away to a special hospital, while I had to stay here 30+ minutes away recovering from my own hospital procedure.

I don't want to dwell on those moments, as we should be celebrating her life. She would be 1 year old tomorrow (3/27) and I have no idea how our lives would be. Would she be walking already? What would her birthday theme be? Would she have lots of hair? We don't know and never will. But we do know that she is in a better place. We are going to have a little party for her tomorrow. She deserves something and we hope she'll be joining us in some way. Happy 1st Birthday, Mackenzie! We love you!

Baby Talk

2010-03-24T09:48:00.000-05:00

A few days before Emma left for her Spring Break vacation, she started talking in a baby voice. It was strange because this girl usually acts, talks, etc. like she is way older than she really is. We kind of brushed it off, but would tell her to use a "big girl" voice and then she would change. During her week in Houston, she was doing it again, but I don't think as often. When we got back, we went to Jason's Deli while we had a showing at the house. Ryan went in to pick it up and I stayed in the car with Emma. I asked her if she was doing it because there was going to be a new baby in the house and if she was upset about that - keep in mind I came up with this and she didn't initiate it. She said yes (but she might have just been saying that for no reason) and I told her that she would always be our little girl, no matter how many babies there were in our family. Then, she started crying and said that she was sad because when the new baby came she wouldn't be Mackenzie's big sister anymore. Can you believe that? I know she is only 4 and doesn't completely understand everything that has happened in the past year, but this just about broke my heart. I explained to her that she would still be her big sister, but would have 2 sisters to care for - one down here to play with and one up in Heaven that watches over her.

It is nice to know that she is thinking so sincerely about her sister, but it is so hard at the same time. She cares so much, but is so confused too. We started talking about Mackenzie's upcoming birthday and what we should do. I had to explain to her that we can't physically see her. She asked why and where she was. I had to tell her that when you die, you get buried but that you go onto to live in Heaven. She then started to recall what Mackenzie was wearing at the funeral. How in the world does this child remember that from a year ago? She is amazing!

Emma is excited to have a little celebration for her and I think it will be good for all of us. It has been a tough year, to say the least. But I think we're at a good place right now and we've done everything that we know how in order to move forward. We've tried our hardest with Emma and I don't think we could have done a better job, without being professionals in that field. I'm proud of our progress and hope that these next few weeks give us peace and happiness instead of sorrow.

'Next Blog'

2010-03-18T12:27:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've all seen the feature at the top of Blogger that is for the 'Next Blog'. Sometimes when I'm a little bored, I'll click on the next few blogs after reading an update of one that I follow. Most of them seem to be about people's families or company blogs. After reading these for a few weeks, it has astonished me to see how many different people are in our shoes in regards to infant death. Of course, I never thought I was alone during all of this. There are tons of books out there, so obviously I'm not the only one that has had to go through this.

However, after reading some of these it has made me feel a little more normal. Some of the questions that I see from these blogs are the same type of questions and thoughts that I had after Mackenzie had died - and sometimes still do. I guess it made me realize that this is something that we all go through (all - meaning ones who have lost a child) and that it is part of the grieving process.

It has been almost a year now and I feel as though we have successfully gone through the stages of grief. There are definitely moments and days that are harder than others and that is to be expected. There are times when something triggers the emotions back again, but I think this is all totally normal. I know that they say it all gets better with each and everyday that passes. I can now say that this is true. I know that 6 months ago, I was hesitant to hold another baby - even my own nephew. But now, I wouldn't pass him up. Maybe it is that I'm pregnant again, but I think part of it is because we have grown to accept what has happened. It is no one's fault. It happened to us and we can't go back to change anything - as much as we'd like to. If you can't learn from life, then you can't live it to the fullest.

Our Visit

2010-03-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

Emma is away in Houston. The weather this past weekend was absolutely gorgeous. So with all things in our favor, we decided to go visit Mackenzie. We were taken aback when we walked to her spot and saw a few gifts for her. Someone had left a bear, vase for flowers, pink pail with artificial flowers in it, and a candle. Each time we go, her spot always looks so empty. But yesterday we were both so happy to see those things. I don't know who left them for her - but THANKS!

We hadn't been out to see her in nearly 5 1/2 months - way too long - but noticed a lot more spaces out there that were now sadly occupied. We saw a recent one that was obviously a child and it made us very disheartened to see another family experience such a tragedy. It was good to talk to Mackenzie and visit. It was just Ryan and me since Emma is out of town. I don't think we've gone alone before. It was nice. We obviously weren't the only ones that decided to partake in the beautiful weather. While we were out there, I think we saw 4 different people visiting their loved ones. It is really sad to see the people that died a few years ago and still don't have a headstone. They're pretty expensive, but I think everyone deserves something, even if it is small. The plaques that the funeral home provides don't do any justice. Some of them are actually illegible after awhile.

Which brings me to - Headstone Update: It is finished. It has been transported to San Antonio. It is ready to be installed. Problem: the cemetery director has been away and he has some sort of stipulation that he must be present anytime one is being installed. I believe he had a death in his family and has been out of town. The moment he is back, they should install it. We want to have it installed by her birthday. Hopefully this can happen, considering that is 2 weeks away. Once it is up and installed I will post pictures. We are so excited to have this part complete.

How Many?

2010-03-10T11:34:00.000-06:00

When you're pregnant people seem to get really nosey with you. They always want to know if this is your first child, what you're having, if you have any others, etc. After having a child that has died, it is hard to answer those questions. I think because I look young (or at least I used to) people assume this is my first if I am not with Emma. That is always the first question. When I say "no", then they ask how many I have. How do you answer that question? Of course I have 2 children already, but to avoid any awkward moments of them asking how old they are I simply leave it at "I have 1 at home." It seems like a dumb answer to say that she is at home, but what are my options?

I have 1 living child - then things might get awkward
I have 1 child and 1 angel - might make them feel sad for you
I have 1 child - you leave out Mackenzie and it hurts to do that

Either way, it leaves Mackenzie out of the loop. And whereas we never would purposely omit her from our family, it has made it easier for us to answer the silly questions that way in order to avoid further questioning or disheartened looks.

I read a book about dealing with infant loss and there was a chapter devoted to this specific subject. After reading it, I realized that everyone who has lost a child will deal with that question in some way or another. It isn't meant to hurt you or bring up bad memories - it is just a question. And that's how I've learned to look at it. We all know how many children I have, living or not, but I am not going to divulge that information to people - specifically strangers that are simply just trying to make conversation regarding your pregnancy.

We have to remind Emma that she will be a big sister to 2 babies now. She is still Mackenzie's big sister and we don't want her to forget that. Emma is going to have a special role in her sibling's lives because she is the only one that would have met Mackenzie. And even though she was only 3 when she was born and passed away, she is still very aware of the whole situation. I know that as time passes, she will forget a lot of things regarding Mackenzie. But to this day she still reminds me that she brought tulips to the hospital with Mimi. She remembers having to wear the hospital gowns over her clothes when she saw her in the NICU. We want her to remember these things because she will be the one that her sister comes to later on in life to ask questions about it. She has such a special role ahead of her and she doesn't even realize it yet. I know she will be an awesome big sister and she can't wait for that to happen. Let's cross our fingers and hope that she gets this wish of hers without any complications - I don't know how the child would handle another tragedy, let alone her parents.

The Wonderful Month of March

2010-03-03T12:17:00.000-06:00

Last year at this time, we were anticipating the birth of our second child. Would she come early? Would she be late? My predictions were that she would be late since everyone that saw me couldn't believe that I was already close to being due. Ryan had turned down a trip to Las Vegas (during March Madness, I might add) because it was too close to the due date. I had to turn down a trip to Hawaii for work because I couldn't travel that late. We were also trying to figure out how we would handle going into labor in the middle of the night with Emma.

Luckily, Mackenzie was late. Very late. Her due date was 3/19. That date passed and we were able to get my mom up here to stay with us in case labor happened at night. She would be available to watch Emma if need be. We never got to that point because I was going to be induced (but was actually never induced) at 41 weeks. I'm glad she was here though because the way all events played out, it was nice knowing that she was here to handle anything else that we needed.

This year, March is a lot different. Not only does it contain the birthday of my wonderful husband, but also the birthday of my second child. It should be a time of happiness; however, it is a month with much emotion. We want to celebrate this month and be happy with the time that we did get to spend with Mackenzie, but it is hard when you know that you could have been planning your child's 1st birthday party. Instead of gifts, she's getting a headstone for her grave. Instead of her having a party, we'll be doing a family celebration without her. I don't think the hurt will ever go away, but it has gotten a lot easier to manage. We have all grown so much during this tragedy (even Emma has) and have learned a lot about life. We still miss her dearly, but know that she is watching over us.

Sweet Tulips

2010-02-23T13:48:00.000-06:00

The other day I bought flowers for our dining room table. I felt as though fresh flowers might spice up the appearance of the room (hopefully they're still alive this coming weekend). I looked at all the options and automatically chose tulips. Tulips have always been my favorite flower. I don't know why, but even when I was younger I would rather have received one tulip over a dozen roses any day. Now, they mean so much more.

After I had Mackenzie, I received flowers, plants, etc. From Ryan's parents I got cut pink tulips and from my mom (and Emma b/c she picked them out) I got planted tulips that were also pink - if my memory is getting the best of me, please forgive. They're so beautiful. I guess it was that time of year, being in March and all, but they were definitely the best choice for me. After Mackenzie died, Ryan and I had to meet with the funeral director to go over all of the details for the funeral. It was such a hard day and I don't even remember making a lot of the decisions. It is definitely not something I want to do again for a very long time. The one question that I know I answered was what type of flowers to have for the casket: TULIPS! I remember saying it so distinctly, adamantly, confidently. That was the only choice. I said I wanted pink and yellow tulips. I remember the lady kind of looking at me with a strange face. I'm not sure if she was questioning my decision or what. Maybe she thought they were too expensive. Maybe they weren't traditional. I didn't care and still don't. That is what was perfect for her. Although, I still can't remember if they were pink and yellow tulips or if they were pink tulips with the yellow tips on them. Either way, anytime I see a tulip I think of her.

The Wonderful World of Facebook...

2010-02-17T09:50:00.000-06:00

So Facebook is not only a social networking site where you can reconnect with old friends and stayed in touch with current friends, it is also a place where people can seek your support. In the last few weeks I have seen a bunch of my "friends" joining a group called "Praying for Layla Grace". Most of them were people from Houston, so I quickly looked into the group to see if it was someone I knew. Once I realized I didn't know them I read their story. Who is Layla Grace and why does she need prayers? I came across her blog that the mother writes and I have been glued to it on a daily basis. If you haven't seen it, check it out (but bring tissues with you) http://laylagrace.org/.

After reading this family's entire journey through Layla's condition, it has made me question many things in life. Why do sweet babies and children have to suffer like this? And why does it seem as though some of the most qualified mothers are the "chosen" ones to lose their children? Why can't something like this happen to someone who neglects their children or an abuser? I know that isn't the right attitude to have - but come on. It just doesn't add up.

Either way, reading stories like this makes me so sad. It makes me sad for the family, the older sisters, Layla - anyone involved. There are so many days when I think about how our life would be so different if Mackenzie had lived. If she had lived healthy or if she had lived with her illness. Somedays I am tough on Emma and say things that I regret afterwards. I am thankful for what I have though and usually immediately realize it. It isn't how I imagined my life would be, but I am. I have a child down here with me that is here to guide me and strengthen me. I have a child in Heaven that is there to guide me and protect me. And I have another child on the way that (hopefully - fingers crossed) will be here to make me realize how precious life truly is.

It is Complete!

2010-02-09T14:07:00.000-06:00

We got an email yesterday from the funeral parlor stating that the headstone is finally finished! It seems like it has taken forever, but it was "somewhat" of a custom design. Once they shipped it to San Antonio - which took awhile in itself - they had to do all of the engraving. We haven't seen a picture of the final product yet, but I'm sure it is beautiful.

Due to all of the recent downpours (I guess it actually does rain in SA), they are not able to install it yet. They have to wait for the ground to get drier. Hopefully, the weather begins to cooperate soon. I anticipate going out there once it is installed so we can take pictures and put some fresh flowers at the site. We are just glad that it was completed prior to her birthday. I'll post pics once I get them.

Some Days...

2010-02-02T09:47:00.000-06:00

As far along as we all have come, there are still days that haunt me. Days that I wish I could go back to. Relive them. Pay closer attention to my body and my past experience of pregnancy. I know that can't happen, but I can learn from it - and we definitely are. Being pregnant again is a joy for us, but it isn't the same. I almost feel like I am cheating this baby in a way because I am so weary about things to come. We've had nothing but good appointments - with the OB and perinatologist - but still, we continue to walk on eggshells. I know that there is so much love already for this baby, but sometimes it feels like I can let the baby know about how I feel b/c it will hurt me worse in the end if something bad happened. I have to stay positive, but I think I also have to protect myself.

We finally told Emma yesterday about the new baby. We had to go over with her that even though there is a baby on the way; we can't take them home until we know they are healthy. We probably waited a really long time to tell a 4 year old. We had our obvious reasons, but I still felt a little guilty about it. Everyone else knew but her. It was like a secret if anyone wanted to ask a question. Now she knows! We asked her if she was excited and she said "I want to be able to change her diapers!" Hmmmm... we might hold you to that, Emma.

One of the hardest things we've ever done was having to tell Emma about Mackenzie. She was 3 at the time and very perceptive, although I don't think she completely understood at the time that she wouldn't be coming home. Now she knows that Mackenzie was sick and that her heart was sick. She knows all of that, which makes us happy. We pray that nothing happens to this baby. If it did, not only would we be devastated, but Emma would truly not understand what it means to be a big sister. Even though she already is a big sister, she will never know the true meaning of it. I have 2 older sisters and I value everything about both of them. I looked up to them growing up (even when they picked on me). I learned from their mistakes. And best of all, I found out what it meant to know that they can be your best friends whenever you need them. I want that for Emma. I want her to be there for her siblings. I want her to care for them and love them. Stand up for them and defend them. She is such a sweet little girl and I know that she will be the best big sister in the world. I just hope that happens soon for her, without any problems.

Parallels

2010-01-19T14:50:00.000-06:00

We recently watched a movie that had been on our Netflix list for quite awhile (much to Ryan’s dismay as it is a “chick flick”). It was a movie that came out in the summer and was based off of a book. I hadn’t read the book, but knew the premise of the storyline. It is called “My Sister’s Keeper” and seemed to hit a little too close to home.

Of course, it was a sappy story and I probably would have cried no matter what life events had occurred or not, but I think my crying was a little induced from what all we’ve been through in the last 9 months. The movie is about a family that has 2 kids and one is diagnosed with cancer at a young age. They genetically engineer another child so that they can use her in order to help save their oldest child. The child later sues the parents for the rights to her own body.
The parallels come when the parents first learn they have a sick child. Of course, this child is probably about 4 years old and they’ve gotten to know the child, but just having the news told to you is so devastating. It just makes you feel like a failure of a parent. How could I produce a child that is sick? I’m a very healthy individual and have never done anything to harm my child in utero or otherwise. One parent has to quit her job and the entire family makes sacrifices. They eat everything organic and make sure that nothing enters the home that might harm the sick child. It made me think about how our life would be if Mackenzie had lived. She would have had a heart condition, so any sort of exposure would have been dangerous. I would have had to quit my job to stay home with her. Exposing her to other children would be dangerous in itself and we probably wouldn’t be able to travel as much as we currently do between SA and Houston.
Another likeness is when the child begins to sue the parents. It makes me think about this child I’m carrying now. Will she grow up thinking that she is only here because Mackenzie died? Will she think that she is a replacement child for the one that passed? This child is, by no means, a replacement child. We hope in our hearts that it is never brought up as an issue (but you know how teenagers can get). Of course, this child probably wouldn’t be here if Mackenzie had lived – as a sick child or not. But that doesn’t mean there is going to be less love for this one. I hope that we show that enough so that any future children don’t feel inadequate.
I won’t give away the end of the movie / book, but the ending made you realize the burden that having a sick child can do to you as an individual and as a couple / family. It is hard and you have to get through it together. It affects everyone differently, but you are a whole unit.
Another show that seemed to have some similar parallels to our life is Desperate Housewives. Lynette was pregnant with twins and loses one during her pregnancy. Of course, that isn’t the same for us, but the family has to contemplate therapy to get them over this problem. Ryan and I never talked to anyone (professional or otherwise), but I can see how it could be helpful to some. We talked a lot to each other and kept our feelings out in the open. It was important that we lean on each other because it was something that we were both experiencing.
I’m proud to say that we’ve made it! Of course, our journey will never be over, as the loss of a child will stick with you forever. But I can say that we did this together and we grew as a couple. I think it has made us better parents, stronger individuals and more aware of tragedies in life. I would have rather have learned this lesson a little differently, but I guess I can’t control that.

On a side note, the movie was good and worth watching if you’re interested. :)

Also, I don't know if I've mentioned it or not but we think it is another girl. I've felt it was a girl the entire time, but the ultrasound didn't give us a good enough look. We'll look again in a few weeks. If it turns out we're wrong, I'll let you know.

Our Gift for Kenzie

2010-01-15T11:51:00.000-06:00

We're loving all of this cold, rainy weather (or at least I am), but the one thing it has done to us is prohibit us from going to visit Mackenzie. Sadly, I can't remember the last time we went. I want to say it was October right after we found out we were pregnant. Well, now that I think about that - it was September 27th (her 6 month birthday). I think that was the last day. October must have been busy and I know that November was. After we returned from our trip, every weekend in the month of December was booked either with birthday parties, Holiday parties or traveling and visiting with family. Needless to say, we are awful parents for not doing a better job of making an effort. Unfortunately, January isn't any different. We have something going on each weekend and the cold weather and rain doesn't help. We don't want to drive out there, only to spend 15 minutes before we get too cold or can't kneel on the ground any longer.

The best thing is that her headstone should be finished soon! I know, I know - you might think this is morbid or something. But these are the only gifts we can physically give her. There were no Christmas gifts and won't be a birthday gift. After everything happened, we were in charge of picking a headstone. WTH! "How in the world are we supposed to do that?" is what went through our minds. The last funeral I had attended for a family member was for my great grandmother when I was in the sixth grade and I was, by no means, in charge of any planning. Luckily, Ryan is so great and took care of it all. He was the one that met with the cemetery guy, brought home books to give us ideas, talked with the funeral director to get a name for a company that would help create the perfect gift. I remember searching online to find "headstones for infants" and just seeing all of that was awful! It was hard, but I wanted to find the best thing out there. We got ideas from other headstones in the cemetery that are for infants or young children, but we actually found ours online. We immediately sent the image over to see if it could be duplicated. It is a pretty intricate design and has taken a long time in creating it. We were hoping to have it by Christmas time, but that wasn't doable. It is now in San Antonio and we have decided on all of the engraving, so it is in the final step. We are not sure how long the engraving process will take, but we are hoping that it will be delivered and installed by her birthday. That is going to be our gift to her. We hope it is as beautiful as we imagine it will be. She deserves nothing but the best.

I think having a headstone there will make it seem a lot more real for all of us. It will make a huge different to Emma too. Every time we have gone, we kneel beside a mound of dirt that has a small plaque with her name on it. We are hoping that all of this rain will also bring a good amount of grass too. This definitely isn't the type of gift I ever saw myself giving to a child of mine, but this is what we have. This is our life. We can't change anything that happened in the past, but we can definitely make the best out of what we've been given. I'll be sure to post pics once it is completely finished!

Cautiously Optimistic

2010-01-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

If you are reading this blog, then you probably read our other blog and are aware of our recent announcement. Ryan and I are expecting baby #3! The official due date is 6/4/10, but will likely be earlier if I end up having to have a c-section (but will still inquire about a VBAC). Because of what happened before, we are so incredibly cautious. We want to be happy - and we are - but we also know that we will not be satisfied until we have a healthy baby home in our arms. We haven't told Emma the news yet because we just don't want her to worry or get confused in any way. She has been telling me for months though that she wants a baby. She actually wants 2 of them, but not at the same time she says. She wants a girl first and then a boy. We'll see. Hopefully we can make that true for her. The other day she said to me that she didn't want to play with her baby dolls. She wanted a real baby to play with because dolls don't laugh or talk to her. It warmed my heart because I wanted so bad to tell her the news. I thought it would light up her face if she knew, but I held it back.

We've had a lot of testing done that we never had done before with Mackenzie or Emma for that matter. The first test was the nuchal translucency measurement. This is where they do an ultrasound between 11 and 13 weeks. They take lots of measurements of the fluid at the base of the neck. If there is an issue, the baby will usually have an increased amount of fluid and it is a red flag. It doesn't test for everything, but they said that usually something will show up with the test. All measurements came back good! I can't imagine what we would have seen if we had done this with Mackenzie. I'm thinking it would have been pretty obvious. We also had blood work done at that appointment and follow up blood work done this past Monday. The doctor called and said all my levels were normal!

The most recent test we had done was the level II ultrasound. Most people have an ultrasound with their OB around 20 weeks. It is done in the office (or mine always have been) and the doctor analyzes the anatomy, bones, etc. This is also usually the point where the sex is revealed. This time, we were referred by my OB to a perinatologist - translation = high risk doctor. I am not considered a "high risk" patient, but because of what happened before, they are giving me the special treatment which I gladly accept. This appointment was really long, but worth it. We first saw the nurse and she went over all of our history. After that, we went into the ultrasound room and a tech came in and did an entire body scan of the baby. She was so quick and precise, but informative. We saw everything! The baby appeared to have all arm bones, leg bones, feet, hands, etc. She zoomed in on the heart and we saw 4 complete chambers. She looked at other organs too and also showed us the blood flow within the organs. After she left, the perinatologist came in and reviewed everything. She also did another body scan. The entire appointment took nearly 2 hours, but I felt that we were given a good amount of information. They didn't find anything wrong or any concerns, but we go back in a month to double check everything. Ryan will be in training that week, so I guess I will be going by myself to that appointment.

We left feeling reassured, but still cautious. You think that once you reach this appointment and know the sex that it means that it is time to start shopping. For us, it isn't. Actually, we probably won't even do any shopping. The only thing that will be done is to purchase a new crib. If you remember, our old crib was recalled. We recently received the voucher towards a new one. It doesn't expire until 6/30, but I don't think I'll want to go shopping for one right after having a baby (especially if surgery is required). So, that is probably the one thing that we will buy beforehand. Also, we hope to be moving sometime soon and don't want to clutter up our current house with stuff to just have to pack it away. So right now I can say that we have received good news, but don't let your guard down. Anything can happen and we are definitely prepared for the worst. However, we know that there is a beautiful angel watching over us and this baby.

A Time of Reflection

2009-12-29T11:47:00.000-06:00

This is generally the time of year when people begin to reflect on the past year. They may think about how they should have done things or how they will change for the coming year. In my time of reflection, I don't see that we could or should have done things any differently. I think given our circumstances, our family has recovered very nicely. We have a wonderful daughter that is still just as happy as she was before. She understands what has happened and she talks about her baby sister constantly. Ryan and I have learned to deal with the cards you are dealt. There were some interpersonal struggles in the beginning, but the two of us have made a great team. In some books I read, it seemed as though a couple either gets through a situation like this and becomes closer or they don't make it. I can't imagine not having him during this difficult year.

Also during this time, I have come to the realization that things will happen. I think that all things happen for a reason. Whether this happened to us to strengthen us, to make someone else's life change in some way, for Emma to perhaps pursue a career in healthcare due to this, or whatever it may be (most likely something beyond our knowledge) we know that there was nothing that could have been done otherwise. There was a reason we didn't get all of the precautionary testing done. There was a reason we were blind-sided. It is hard to imagine what life would be like right now, had she lived. I probably wouldn't be working. She, most likely, would have had her second surgery by now. She wouldn't be able to go to daycare due to a weak immune system. There are many changes that our lives would have taken right now. Needless to say, she is definitely in a better place without machines, needles, nights spent in a hospital bed, etc.

Another thing I've realized is that we are not the only ones to experience a loss. Yes, we are the ones that were affected directly, but others lost a grandchild, niece, sister, cousin, and playmate. We hope that everyone else has dealt with this loss just as well as we have. I do want to say that many of the people in our lives are responsible for getting us to this stage. There are some people in our lives that we figured would have been much more involved, but weren't and some that truly came through for us. You know who you are, but we definitely want to thank you. Whether it was an email to check up on us, a card or simply just telling us that you're still thinking of us - that is what has mattered to us. Some of our "closest" friends just didn't seem to even make an effort to check up on us. Even some family members never contacted us to tell us they were sorry for our loss. And whereas we will never say who these particular people are, we will not forget. I now know how difficult it can be to lose someone close to you and one day, so will you. I will never ignore another death. Even if I don't know the person, someone knew them and someone is suffering. To be there for that person to offer a shoulder, a nice meal, a night out or anything is all you can do. But at least you can't say that you never offered. When you suffer a loss, you learn who your true friends are.

We hope everyone had a good Christmas. We are looking forward to 2010 and for a peaceful year for all of us. Be safe!

Our Christmas Angel

2009-12-23T19:18:00.000-06:00

For as long as I can remember, I have counted down the days until Christmas. I truly look forward to this time of year. I love getting together with family, the stress (believe it or not) of finding the perfect gift for everyone and baking all of the yummy sweets! This year seemed a little different. Maybe it was that we weren't having to deal with the added stress of traveling and dealing with how to rearrange our entire schedule to make sure we spend plenty of time with each family. Maybe it is that we are older (pushing 30 now). Maybe it is that we now have Emma who is at the age where she truly values the Christmas traditions. It could be the way that this past year has treated us, but I'm not sure that is it. I know that 6 months ago I would have told you that I wasn't looking forward to Christmas. I probably wouldn't have even wanted to spend it with a bunch of people. But I don't feel that way. I am actually looking forward to the excitement of seeing Emma wake up at her own house on Christmas morning to see her gifts. I am looking forward to people coming to my house and being the host. We will have a little part of us missing, but we know she will be there. They say that the first holiday season after losing a loved one is the hardest. It is the test of your life. It hasn't been that bad to us though. Maybe it is that we never had a first holiday season with her. Maybe it is that we have learned to live with the the hardship and have grown from it. I think we are stronger individuals and a stronger couple. I think Emma has learned a lot from it, although she doesn't quite realize it just yet.

Last Christmas, if you had told me that it would just be the 3 of us again for the holiday season I wouldn't have believed you. Bad things don't happen to people like us. What did we ever do? Nothing. That's the thing. Of course we didn't do anything. The best gift we have this holiday season is our loving friends and family and the best little angel looking down at us. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Our Christmas Card

2009-12-14T15:05:00.000-06:00

Seeing as it is now mid-December, I just wanted to let you all know there will not be a Christmas card from The Colville's in your mailbox. In fact, I don't seem to be the only one not doing them this year. I'm sure that with people trying to save money here and there, it has caused people to cut out that tradition as well. But, I think us not doing them had many different reasons behind it.

By the time we returned home from NYC, December was here and I was so overwhelmed with such little time I had left that I sort of forget to do that party.
I tend to be lazy when it comes to that sort of thing.
I realized that people throw the card away after the holidays. If it is a picture card, they might keep it, but odds are that they don't. Why waste the paper, money, stamp and my time?
And the main reason...I had envisioned last Christmas what my card for next year would be. It would be Emma holding Mackenzie wearing matching pajamas. Ryan and I may or may not have been in the picture.

Since that image is what my little heart was set on for almost a year, it seemed pretty contradictory to send out anything less than that. So, with that being said we don't have a card. I did manage to take a family photo of us all. It turned out pretty well too! We took one as just a regular picture and then we took one with Santa hats on just for fun! I'll post that pic on the other blog sometime soon.

The Holidays!

2009-12-01T15:17:00.000-06:00

We all love the holidays. Getting together with family, drinking lots of wine, laughing, the decorations, etc. It is just a beautiful time of year. I usually really look forward to this time of year. I still do, but I guess it has more meaning these days.

First off - Thanksgiving. A couple of months ago, I would have asked "What do I have to give thanks for?" And whereas that thought definitely still crosses my mind every once in awhile, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have 2 beautiful children (living or not) and 1 that is so incredibly smart. I have a wonderful husband. We both have good jobs that we like (finally!). We have a great supportive family and wonderful friends. There are definitely things to be unthankful for, but life is too short to dwell on all the bad stuff in your life.

Second - Christmas. This holiday is a hard one for me. For the most part, we're happy individuals. We decorated the house the day after Thanksgiving (as we normally do), but this year it made it a little more gloomy. There isn't a stocking with Mackenzie's name on it. When we were putting up our ornaments, I found so many that read "Baby's 1st Christmas" that were for Emma. It was hard putting those up because I realized Mackenzie wouldn't have a 1st Christmas with us. There won't be any presents under the tree for her. I remember last year how we received a few gifts for her - I believe a onesie and a blanket. It is distressing to go through these holidays and think about everything she is missing out on - what we are missing out on. However, it is not healthy to continuously think about what might have been. We can't do that to ourselves. It isn't fair to us or anyone else, for that matter. We do plan on getting an ornament engraved for her. This is the ornament. We haven't discussed what we are going to engrave exactly (suggestions are welcomed), but I think this would be a nice thing to have each Christmas to put on our tree.

I think these next few weeks will be somewhat difficult for us, but we will try to have on our happy faces. We really just want to be surrounded by our family and friends and know that they're still there for us if we need them. It is hard to believe it has been almost 9 months since her birth and almost 9 months without her. It feels like a bad nightmare at times and as if it never even happened. But we all know it did. We all know she is looking down on us and embracing us.

On a side note: Emma wore a pink shirt the other day that had an angel on it. She looked at it in the mirror when she was brushing her teeth and said "This angel is Mackenzie." Then she later asked me if I knew why she was wearing that shirt. Her answer was "because Mackenzie is an angel and I want to be just like her." My heart just about melted. I love my sweet girl.

Emma's Progress

2009-11-16T10:10:00.000-06:00

We had a Parent-Teacher conference this morning with Emma's teacher. She is doing exceptionally well (what else would you expect?). We did ask her teacher if she seemed to display any emotional feelings about Mackenzie. The teacher mentioned that Emma does bring her up but doesn't show any emotional struggles. She might say her name or say that she died and is in Heaven. I think Emma is more mature than some other kids her age, as the way she has handled this entire ordeal is amazing!

She is still full of life. She understands (for the most part) what has happened. She expresses herself to us in saying that she is sad that she doesn't have a baby to play with. Of course it breaks our heart to hear, but it really does make me proud to know how much she understands. We do try to stress to her that she can talk to Mackenzie whenever she wants, but that she might not hear anything back. We also say that Mackenzie can see us, but we can't see her. This concept is a little advanced for her age to grasp, but she does try to remind herself of that. She has a picture of Mackenzie in her room and I think that is something she will always have.

The fact that she will randomly ask questions about Mackenzie lets me know that she is thinking about her. The other day she asked what color Mackenzie's hair was when we were getting out of the car. We hadn't even mentioned her name. It was just Emma thinking about her sister.

I know we will have another baby and that it will be healthy. The only thing I worry about is her confusion about what happens after having the baby. I fear that she will not expect the baby to come home or that she will assume something bad will happen. I don't really think that will happen with her, as I really think she will be ecstatic to have someone to play with, but it is a fear in the back of my head.

We are very proud of her for the ability to comprehend such a tragic accident. We are so happy to have her with us, as she is sometimes the little bit of sunshine that we need in our day to realize that life is good - no matter what has happened. She is such a blessing and we love her so much!

And I thought we had it rough...

2009-10-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

Most of you that know me, know that I am an avid Biggest Loser fan. I love watching the show, seeing the changes in the contestants week by week, and seeing how the individuals change as a whole. This season is full of new (and old) contestants that are huge. It is sad to say it, but they really are. They are also very young. There is a lady on there named Abby. She is just amazing. Her story is so incredibly sad. You always think that when tragedy strikes you or your family, that it is just awful. It is the worst thing ever. You have never experienced something as tragic as her.

Her story is (in case you don't know): 2 1/2 years ago, she had a wonderful husband, 5 year old little girl and a newborn baby. She wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital. I think the family came to see her, but the husband left to go home with the children. On the way home, their car was hit by a driver who was going 100 mph. They were hit and killed instantly. This all took place 5 miles from their house.

Needless to say, my tragedy, our tragedy is nothing compared to this. Can you even imagine? She recently was voted off the show, but at her homecoming she made a statement that she realized that she had been gone for 2 1/2 years as well, but that she was back. It was so moving. And it made me think a lot about life. You never know what is going to happen. However, everything seems to happen for a reason - whether you want to believe that or not. When she got to the Biggest Loser ranch, she said she knew she had to do something with her life, but didn't know what it was yet. After being on the show, she learned to love again and is now an inspirational / motivational speaker.

Now, I obviously didn't suffer a tragedy like this woman did. I didn't have a baby that I knew her quirks. I never saw her smile. I didn't have time to bond. That might be part of the reason why Ryan and I were able to heal so quickly. I feel now that I have to teach people about our tragedy. They need to be educated (and this is where I come in). When you become pregnant or if you are pregnant, don't pass up the suggested tests. There are many tests throughout your pregnancy that you have the opportunity to accept or decline. When we were pregnant with Emma, I didn't know much about the tests but knew they had a reputation of providing false positives. I felt that I didn't want that added stress of thinking something was wrong and also knew it wouldn't affect the outcome. I would still have kept the baby, no matter what. At the time, I really didn't know what the tests were for. I assumed it was for Down's Syndrome and didn't consider any other possibilities. Being 25, I didn't think I was at such a risk and we declined all testing. Emma came out perfect. We did the same with Mackenzie. Had we received the testing though, there might have been a red flag with the first test. We would have proceeded to additional tests. We would have been prepared for what was ahead of us - mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We were not. We assumed that because the two of us are young and healthy, that there would never be a problem. We were wrong. Don't make the same mistake we did. We will be doing testing for any future babies and hopefully this will encourage someone else who is pregnant to do the same.

What Would You Do?

2009-10-22T13:40:00.000-05:00

Obviously, we were caught off guard when everything with Mackenzie happened. Had we known about her condition, we might not have decorated a beautiful nursery (although it might have been an omen that the painter never came to paint the room). Anyways, we have transformed the room back to a guestroom. It lacks a little bit of personality, but it will have to do. We don't have guests that often. We also wanted to have something in there so it wasn't an empty room for when we put the house on the market.

So, my problem is what to do with the bedding that we had for Mackenzie. It isn't the same that we used for Emma. Since I was a child of hand-me-downs (which I hated) I didn't want to do that to my children. Now we have a closet with a laundry basket full of nursery bedding. If there are future babies (obviously a girl), I don't think I want to use it. I think that having a room with the same decor might not be the best thing. It would be confusing to Emma, bring back memories for us and not exactly fair to a new baby. So with that being said, what would you do with the bedding if you were in our situation? These are the things I have thought of:

Donate the bedding to a good charity
Sell the bedding (not my favorite choice, but had to throw it out there)
Give to someone else having a girl that needs it
Have someone (definitely not me) take the different pieces of sheets, bumper, bed skirt, blanket, etc. and make it into a quilt or something.
hang onto it (although it would probably end up in the attic and don't think that is very respectful)
Anything else that I might not have thought of

I really like the quilt idea, but don't know how to make one, don't know what you do with the remaining scraps (throw away I guess) and don't know if that quilt would be kept hidden from use or if this would be something for my children to use as a "gift" from their sister like maybe when they're feeling sick or are hurt. We have a lot more than just the bedding. We bought artwork, light switch cover, nightlight, and I think one more thing. I don't know what we'll do with the extra things besides donate it.

So any opinions are needed and welcomed. Thanks!

Rememberance Day

2009-10-15T08:36:00.000-05:00

October 15th is recognized in the US as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day. It is a day of rememberance for all pregnancies and infant death which includes, but not limited to, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. You are supposed to hold your own candle light vigil and light a candle at 7 pm to honor your child (or someone you know). It is supposed to create an International Wave of Light.

Since Mackenzie was only a week old, I put her in this category. So, everyone stop tonight and light a candle at 7 pm your time in honor of Mackenzie, your own loss, or a loss of someone you know.

Some Days Aren't That Easy

2009-10-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

This week seems to be like the week for updating blogs. I did my other one and then noticed a few of my "blog friends" had updated theirs as well. I usually try to read these during my down time of work to eliminate boredom. Today's reading material required a much needed trip to the bathroom (for a mascara check)!

The first blog I read was about Baby Sam. I love reading this because it makes such a good story that she can tell her little boy as he gets older. But at the same time, I began to cry at these words. I know that this was somewhat of a miracle for her. I am so happy for her and her family for the pain she didn't have to endure. But at the same time am I a little jealous? Probably. I keep asking myself why those prayers that people said for us didn't work. Why did we have to lose our child? I know I shouldn't think that way. I am very happy that this happened for this precious baby and maybe even a little surprised at how all the events rolled out. But, of course at the same time it deeply saddens me. Don't get me wrong...I would never wish for anyone - not even my worst enemy - to have to go through what we've been through. But in the same sense, I feel like why didn't our prayers get answered? Did we do something wrong? Why are we the "chosen" ones? While Erica was going through the waiting game - waiting to see if his heart was in as bad of shape as they had suspected - I told her that Mackenzie would be watching over him. That she would be by his side holding his hand throughout all of this. I guess Mackenzie did what I asked her to. I told her to make this baby healthy and to heal him quickly (I was thinking from surgery). I guess she went beyond that and performed a miracle!

The next blog is a friend from college that is pregnant with twins! She is scared, ecstatic, confused, etc. Her new blog post was just about her babies. Reading it just made me miss the joy that she is going through and all of the changes to her body. This made me so afraid that I wouldn't ever be happy again if I was pregnant. I want to get excited and plan things. I want to have dreams for Emma to be a big sister. But after reading this, I felt like I wasn't sure if I would get to that point again. We had such a false sense of security with Mackenzie. You assume that once you've cleared the 1st trimester, you're golden. That's when you can finally start telling people about the baby. After reading this blog update, I was so scared about my future as a mother (a pregnant one at that) and I just about lost it.

I know that Mackenzie even living was a miracle. I know that the fact that she was born alive, after the heart rate scare in the hospital, was for a reason. She lived 7 days for a reason. I know that I will never know why this had to happen this way. I know that she is in a better place right now without any pain. Without machines hooked up to her. Without tons and tons of drugs being pumped into her body. I know all of this. And I guess what I don't know, is something that I shouldn't dwell on for my own well-being.

With all of these emotions fling around yesterday, Ryan knew immediately on the phone that I was upset about something. We talked about it later that night and it made me feel better. He said that even though we have a good support system, that the only one that can feel that pain that we're experiencing is each other. He is the only one that truly knows what I'm going through and I for him. I can't imagine going through any of this without him by my side.

Happy "Half" Birthday!

2009-09-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

Most of you know that I try to always celebrate my half birthday. We can never have too many excuses to party! Well, yesterday would have been Mackenzie's half birthday. It made me wonder how our lives would be so different right now. She would be learning to sit on her own, she would be eating baby food and Emma would be helping. It would have been so much fun for us to sit and just watch all of the things that babies do. Another cute thing would have been her in Emma's hand-me-down Aggie Cheerleader outfit and Emma in her own. How adorable!!?!!

Of course that isn't what our days consist of, but it is nice to imagine it. We did go visit her yesterday. We haven't been in awhile and was nice to get out there. We had a peaceful drive over there and it wasn't too hot outside either. It does get a little difficult with Emma because she likes to roam around. We have to constantly stop and tell her to not step on the dirt, don't pick the flowers, stay close by... She is understanding the situation about Mackenzie a lot better, but she hasn't quite grasped the concept of respect. I know that she doesn't mean any harm though. She was very sweet though when she was "talking" to Mackenzie. She looks up to the sky, and yells at the top of her lungs "We miss you Mackenzie!" Melts my heart.

PB Christmas Stockings

2009-09-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Since I am a nut for "After Christmas" sales, I wanted to add a stocking for Mackenzie (at the time, obviously not born yet). Pottery Barn usually reduces the prices for their holiday items so I figured it was a good deal and would be one less thing to do next year around the holidays. At the time, we hadn't decided on a name yet since we were still 2+ months off. I had contemplated just buying the stocking for her and then having it monogrammed after she was born when we would have her name already set. Well, thank goodness for procrastination!

I received my Pottery Barn catalog yesterday with all of the new decor for the upcoming holidays. The moment I saw our stockings, I thought of her. I guess it was a good thing we hadn't decided on a name because I would have one sitting in the attic. I would have opened the box with glee when decorating the house and would have been frozen at the sight of it. There would have been tears of sadness and wonder. There would have been questions from Emma. I would have had to stuff it back into the empty box while ours hung for everyone to see.

I actually thought that maybe I should order one now for her, but have decided against it. It would only cause more sadness in our house at that time when we will already have plenty of it. We definitely don't need that. Also, it might spur on questions, like "Who is Mackenzie?", from people who might not be aware of the loss or even questions from Emma. I know that PB sends out their holiday catalogs at least once a month and this image of our stockings will be in there each time. I know I will have to endure a tiny amount of pain each time I see them too, but I am prepared for that right now (ask me again in 3 months and I might not think so). We do have a new cat, so I guess I will have to order the small, elf-like sized stocking for Campbell. Emma would like that.

Pray for Sam

2009-09-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

I have a friend that I've known since elementary school. We, of course, were reunited via Facebook. She has a daughter and baby #2 is on his way (due 10/1). During a routine ultrasound, the doctor noticed some issues with his heart. They had a fetal echo cardiogram performed which confirmed his diagnosis. There is at least one issue with his heart which, if I can remember correctly, was one of the things wrong with Mackenzie's (I honestly can't remember all of the names of the problems).

It tears me up to see someone going through this. I know that having prior knowledge is good because you can prepare for the delivery. But I can't imagine what is going through this family's mind right now. She has 2 weeks until she meets this little baby boy and probably will not stop worrying the entire time. Please put Sam and this family in your thoughts and prayers for the next few weeks. For more details, click here.

Cliche?

2009-09-15T16:09:00.000-05:00

When people say "I think about them everyday" when speaking of someone they have lost, it most definitely is not a cliche. I say this because I feel that people don't realize that Mackenzie is someone I think about daily. You may not think about her. She might not even pass through your memory, but for our family she is a daily presence. My thoughts of her don't have to be triggered by seeing her empty room, seeing another baby around her age, or even seeing a physical reminder. She is just something that graces my mind the moment my day starts. I can't even really tell you what it is that I think about, but she is there. In our hearts, minds, thoughts...everywhere.

With all of these new babies and holidays approaching, we know that the best time of the year is bound to become the worst for us. Of course, we are grateful and happy for what we do have, but we cannot help but think about what might have been. I know that we are very strong as individuals, as well as a couple, but I think it is only natural to have these feelings inside. Hopefully everyone understands our feelings.

Unexpected Tears

2009-09-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

I was caught off guard a little today at work. My grandmother's birthday is coming up and I was getting ready to mail her card. I was at work, so I didn't have her address handy. I decided to just Google her name and see if it came up that way (instead of using my very handy website of anywho.com to get addresses). I typed in her name and just glancing at the screen I noticed Mackenzie Colville. It was the website that the funeral home had set up. I vaguely remember the lady mentioning something about a website, but didn't think anything about it. I surely didn't think there was a guestbook. Well, I came across the site today and viewed the guestbook. There were so many responses from people (some of whom I didn't even recognize their names) and they were all so sincere. It just made me so grateful for the people we have in our lives. I was reading all of the entries and just so surprised by what people had to say. I was flooded with emotions.

People who I didn't think knew about Mackenzie (and some I didn't think even cared) had signed this guestbook. I'm glad I came across it because it was nice to read things like that again. After her death and funeral, we were inundated with sympathy cards. We got so many of them but still managed to read every single one. I would tear up after reading a new one in the mail because it made me feel so loved. Some of the kindest words were written on those cards. I guess it is good to know that people are thinking about you in your time of need.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2009-09-01T12:06:00.000-05:00

I rarely make a post on this blog 2 days in a row, but I saw this poem and thought I would post it.
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child. -Author Unknown
I am definitely a stronger person that I was 6 months ago. We all are.

Babies Galore

2009-08-31T08:55:00.000-05:00

There are so many people in our family that seemed to be pregnant this past year. We were so excited because my sisters and I were going to all have babies in the same grade. Benjamin and Mackenzie would have only been a month apart and would have been so cute to see as little babies crawling around together. We joked about how there would be all this competition as they all grew up. It seemed as though everyone in our immediate family was having a boy. Maybe that happened so that it was easier for us to heal. If one of them had had a girl, it might have been a little difficult for us to be excited to hold them. We would have always been thinking about Mackenzie and comparing her to that child.

It seems like everyone is now done having their babies (for the time being). The other day Emma was telling me that Mackenzie was so pretty, just like her. She asked me questions about her like "what color eyes did she have?", "what color hair?". It was nice to see her ask questions and also realize at the same time that she won't ever be there on Earth with us. Before, she always seemed to get a little confused. I think that us talking about it a lot has helped her understand, as much as any 3 year old could.

I know on my other blog, I had mentioned that we might be planning on moving sometime next year. Some people have wondered why or asked where we are moving to, etc. Yes, we have already outgrown our little house and we need more space. Of course we could make it work, but one of the main reasons is that Mackenzie's room will always be referred to as Mackenzie's room. That's what Emma calls it. We have called it "the other room", "the empty room" and also "the guest bedroom" but any time we mention it Emma says, "Oh. Mackenzie's Room?" I feel as though even if we did have another baby, she would still think of it as Mackenzie's. I don't think that would be fair to another baby. I think, deep down, Ryan and I would also have this feeling in the back of our head. We need to start new. Start over. I know buying a new house will not solve everything, but at least it will be a clean slate. The room is completely empty right now, with the exception of 2 tupperware bins of clothes and a bag of blankets. We are putting the bed back in it and hopefully that will help make it not so apparent that it is empty.

5 Months

2009-08-24T09:55:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe it, but on the 27th Mackenzie would have been 5 months old. It is hard for me to imagine life right now, had she lived. If she had been healthy, I'm sure our lives would be hectic getting both kids to school and me to work on time, evenings and dinner time would be fun and crazy at the same time, Emma would be a great big sister who was always wanting to help. What I can't imagine is if she had lived with her illness. I probably wouldn't be working, we would have had 5 months worth of doctors appointments, hospital visits, protecting her so much to make sure she never got sick, etc. We also would probably be close to preparing for the 2nd heart surgery. I believe it was usually done around 6-9 months, depending on how the 1st procedure was doing. Unfortunately, we don't have to deal with either scenario, but it is just crazy to imagine that lifestyle - either way.

We haven't been to visit her in awhile, which I feel pretty guilty about. One thing has been that we would rather go alone (without Emma). I know that Emma needs to go there to visit too, but she usually just wants to run around the cemetery instead of visiting. Also, we haven't gotten the headstone yet so it just looks sad and depressing. We have ordered it, but it is pretty detailed so it will take awhile to make. Another thing is it has been so stinking hot that visiting her would limit our time significantly and I don't want to do that to her.

Sometimes it is hard to believe that this happened to us. Sometimes I feel like it was just a bad dream - a glimpse into what could happen if you aren't thankful enough. Since I didn't have much baby weight to lose or anything, it is almost as if I wasn't even pregnant. I suppose it helps a little bit to forget, but I can't do that. I have a small scar that I see every morning and makes me think of her. I don't regret the scar or surgery, as it is what was needed in order to save her. And I honestly think I will always associate that scar with her, even if there are more children born via c-section.

Things are good in our household though. We miss her daily, but we are all in good spirits. We are a great team and I think that is what has helped us get through this difficult time. Of course it is sad to walk by her empty room or listen to the way that Emma plays with her babydolls and names them Mackenzie, but I know that we are all healed and ready to move forward.